Sirius Implications
by H.L.B
Summary: ALL DONE. Sirius' lingering mental and emotional problems have become so severe Dumbledore has been forced to send him away until he can get treatment in Vienna. Sequel to RavenDancer's Promise to Be Better
1. Albatross Post

"Sirius Implications"

  
  


A/N: This story is a spin-off/sequel to Raven Dancer's "A Promise to Be Better" It's my job to try and help Sirius. You may want to go read "Promise" if you haven't. As you will be able to tell from this Introductory Chapter (which was an email to Raven Dancer imagining the American Academy), things that need to be explained will be so don't worry about finishing "Promise" before starting this one. Enjoy.

  
  


Chapter One: ALBATROSS POST

  
  


Lila Johnstone barely glanced up as yet another bird flew through her window 

bringing in a salt-tanged breeze with it. She sighed. As Headmistress 

of one of the major magical schools she knew correspondence was a part 

of the job. At times, however, she felt that she hardly left her desk 

chair anymore. The owls just kept coming. The whiffs of sea air only 

made her self-imposed confinement harder. She wanted to join the 

students bundled up in windbreakers walking around the school and over 

the nearby sand dunes. She wanted to enjoy the post-exam reading week 

before grades came out, too. But, alas...

  
  


Johnstone had been Headmistress of The Roanoke Academy of Magic for about forty 

years, now. The academy, itself was considerably older, but considered 

young by the standards of the international magical community. Roanoke 

was approaching it's 300th anniversary. Nothing compared to the 1000 

years Hogwarts had in Britain. Well this was America, after all. The 

natives had not felt the need to create formal schools. It was the 

colonial settlers who had done so.

  
  


A group of settlers established a colony on the shores of North Carolina 

called Roanoke. All the muggle history books spoke of it as the 

"ill-fated" colony that had been "lost". What the muggles didn't know 

is that the colony hadn't been lost at all. It had been made to 

disappear. Between one supply ship and next the witches and wizards who 

had come to settle in the New World hid their "true" colony from muggle 

eyes. To the muggles the colony "disappeared without a trace." It was 

assumed that Native Americans had carried all the settlers off... but no 

trace, even of that, had been found. 

  
  


The problem with their neat little trick is that it attracted attention 

even to this day. The tourists were few, but still they came to the 

site of the "original" colony about a two miles distant. This is why, 

about 150 years ago, the students and faculty had adopted the very 

"American" habit of dressing in street clothes rather than uniforms. 

It made sightings of careless students less of a crisis. 

  
  


Lila drew her mind away from history and from the window to regard the 

latest Owl. She shook her head. She really must be tired. She'd 

hardly given it a glance and she should have. It was a Canadian Goose. 

International mail. "Oh bother!" she grumbled as she got up to remove 

the pouch from the bird's neck. International mail was always a 

great deal more trouble. It was probably busy work from some stupid 

sub-committee of the International Magical Confederation (it had been 

switched from 'confederation of Warlocks' at the insistence of a few 

'uppity witches' last year). Or, she thought pulling an envelope with 

the Hogwarts crest out of the pouch, more bad news from Albus about 

Voldemort. She repressed a small shudder.

  
  


She knew it was only a matter of time before that evil creature started 

to spread his foul influence abroad. Thus far Roanoke and the rest of the States remained untouched... mostly by the providence of the ocean between them. That couldn't last. 

  
  


She and Albus had corresponded for more decades than she cared to count. 

They had formed a deep friendship and teased one another with the 

occasional harmless flirtation, what was it? It must have been at 

least sixty years ago. They had been put on the same "task force" by 

the (then) Warlocks Confederation. A certain disrespect for the 

bureaucratic nature of the whole operation had brought them together. 

The rest, as they say, was history. 

  
  


It was Albus who had convinced her to stay put the first time Voldemort 

rose. He'd pointed out, correctly, that she could do more good in the 

long run at the helm of her school than she could by leaving it to come 

fight the evil mage. Not that he hadn't asked her assistance now and 

then. She'd offered it again, readily and without reservation, at the beginning 

of the previous school year when Albus had written of his suspicions 

about Voldemort. He had been terribly correct.

  
  


She broke the seal on the envelope and slid the heavy parchment letter out.

  
  


"Dearest Lila,

This letter comes with hopes that you and your Academy continue to fare 

well. Hogwarts and I remain remarkably well considering the harassment 

we have lately suffered... "

  
  


What followed was a brief description of "Algie's Rings," the cursed golden objects Death Eaters had been planting around the Hogwart's grounds. Those who touched them became ill with what seemed, at first, to be a simple flu. The illness rapidly progressed, however. Without the counter-curse those infected would die. One professor and one student had been infected and cured. Albus then shifted topics,

  
  


"...You undoubtedly remember Snuffles from the brief time you sheltered 

him in the early summer year before last. He returned to England a year 

ago last fall and appeared to be doing surprisingly well. 

Unfortunately, your concerns about his mental and emotional state were 

all-too well founded. Black has become unreasonable and violent toward certain individuals in our school. He has recently recognized his need for treatment . Unfortunately, a space 

will not be open in The Clinic in Vienna for 6-8 months. 

  
  


I do not believe, at this point, he would pose a danger to your school 

or students. Therefore I was hoping that you might agree to shelter him 

and give him what treatment you might until he can go to Vienna. I 

would never propose this if I felt he was a danger. I do care about 

Sirius, enough to realize he must go somewhere (away from here) to get 

help. If you cannot do this I will certainly understand. In any case 

I would appreciate a reply as soon as you are able to make one.

In Fellowship,

Albus Dumbledore"

  
  


Lila let out her breath and sat down. Albus Dumbledore sending Sirius 

Black away. Albus admitting (in so many words) that she had been right 

about something (not doing so was a stubborn game between them)... this 

must be bad. Black had clearly hurt someone. She had a pretty good 

idea who that might be, too. Black had talked in his sleep a lot and 

her healer gave her a synopsis of what he'd said. That, together with 

other more conversational letters this school year, led her straight to 

one person: Severus Snape. Damn, if she was right Black was lucky Albus 

handn't shot him into that lake of his and let him drown.

  
  


She spent a few minutes going over the situation and the request in her 

mind. Of course, she would do it. Luckily, she had a first-rate healer 

on her school staff and some rather talented professors, as well. 

Roanoke had a long (some said ignominious) history of attracting (some 

said "poaching") talented professors for other international schools. 

She took out a quill and paper (she took pity on international 

messengers and didn't use the heavier parchment... Albus, unfortunately, 

probably couldn't bring himself to write on anything other than parchment).

  
  


"Albus,

You may send "Snuffles" immediately. Please inform us of your arrangements so we may know when and with whom to expect him. We will shelter him and do our best to start the healing process until he may transfer to Vienna. Please also send word of Severus' health and well being.

Yours,

Lila Johnstone"

  
  


The goose shifted in anticipation as she folded the note and put it in an envelope. 

"Sorry, you've just gotten here after a long journey. I refuse to send 

you back out." The goose gave an off-key honk, in either gratitude or 

indignation, and flew out of the window. She'd send the Albatross, it 

would be faster. He could make the entire journey himself instead of 

transferring the letter from goose to gull to owl Lila looked out 

the window after the rapidly disappearing goose as it flew joyfully over the wind-swept nearer dunes and decided to walk this note to the aviary herself.

  
  
  
  


Her albatross returned in surprisingly good time, one week later, with a 

reply.

  
  


"My Dear Lila,

I thank you for not rubbing in the fact I was forced to admit you were 

right and, by implication, I was wrong..."

  
  


Lila chuckled, Dumbledore's mood had improved since he'd written the 

first letter.

  
  


"...You have my gratitude for your willingness to take in "Snuffles." 

He is traveling with a graduate and trusted friend, Bill Weasley, who is traveling to New York on Gringotts' business. Bill might appreciate staying at your academy for a day or two before going to New York. 

  
  


Severus is doing much better than he was. He has suffered quite a bit this year at the hand of Voldemort. Unfortunately, as you divined, Snuffles has only made things worse. I am entrusting Bill with a more lengthy description of events to aid you in accommodating and treating 

Snuffles. 

  
  


We nearly lost Severus this year. You know that he is like a child to me, and I don't mind admitting that I have had some very dark days on his account. I am grateful for his continued recovery. I would write more of the details of recent events but I do not wish to become lost in 

anger at this moment. In spite of everything, I do hope Snuffles can achieve recovery and thank you for your willingness to set him on that road..."

  
  


"yeah, and get him the hell away from you before you kill him..." Lila murmured as she read.

  
  


"With events as they stand, it is hard to say when I might find the opportunity to travel far from Hogwarts. If, however, you find yourself in England the invitation to visit is always open.

Yours,

Albus"

  
  


Lila sat and let the letter and it's implications sink in. Certainly Albus was a bit more relaxed but also still quite angry with Sirius Black. Even with the scant details she had been given and could glean from between the lines, Lila knew Black probably was lucky to be alive. Albus' concern about becoming angry likely meant he'd become so angry he'd lost some of his famous control. He hadn't lost it all, thank Merlin. She hated to think what that would look like.

  
  


One thing was certain, the next six months or so were certainly going to be interesting. 


	2. Welcome to the Lost Colony

"Sirius Implications" chapter two.  
  
"Gerrof!" Sirius black scowled shrugging his shoulder sharply out from under Remus Lupin's steadying hand.

Lupin lowered his hand, not missing the quick sympathetic look Bill Weasley shot him from Sirius Black's other side. It had been a very difficult day, to say the least. It has started back at Hogwarts with a very strained goodbye between Sirius and Harry, his Godson. Harry was very angry at and disillusioned with his Godfather. Truth be told, he had good reason to be. Even Remus was incredibly angry with his old friend, he just couldn't afford to show it at the moment.

Over the last several months Sirius had taken stubbornness to unheard of levels in his relationship with Severus Snape, the Hogwarts Potions Master. Sirius had taken an immediate and intense dislike to Severus years and years before - the moment he saw him on their first day at Hogwarts. His enmity only grew over the years. In fact, Sirius' twelve years at the hands of the Dementors in Azkaban seemed to have expanded his hatred geometrically. Even when Dumbledore sheltered the fugitive, even when he asked Sirius to put aside his hatred and at least be civil for the sake of their war against Voldemort... even then Sirius couldn't. When Remus and Harry had questioned him about the mysterious "accidents" an already weak and ill Potions Master had been having, he'd denied it. When each of them practically begged him to leave Severus alone he had continued; until even the Headmaster's denial had been worn down and he'd had some very sharp words with the thoughtless animagus.

Their hopes that things would get better after Albus laid down the law were short-lived. When Harry became ill from a cursed coin planted by Deatheaters, his Godfather overheard that only Severus knew the counter charm. The unbalanced and irrational man had decided that Snape would need to be forced to help his Godson (Not the bloody case, Lupin thought grimly). The animagus had snuck off, found Snape... and attacked him. 

Lupin shuddered at the memory of his bursting through the door behind Albus to find Sirius with a bruised and bloody Severus slung carelessly over his back. When Albus had roared at Sirius to put Snape down, the nearly psychotic Wizard had flung him down so hard the Severus smashed through the coffee table and wound up with chunks of the wood embedded in his shoulder. 

With no wand, no incantation, just rage, Dumbledore had sent Sirius flying across the room into the bookshelves. Beside nearly killing Snape, the beating had further weakened the already ill wizard. Ironically, this almost cost Harry his life, too. The counter-charm required to cure someone with the curse as far gone as Harry's was would nearly kill a healthy wizard. Snape nearly didn't have what it took to cure Harry. In fact, without a full healer's bond with Dr. James Barnes Lupin was sure he couldn't have helped Harry and they would both be dead. 

Despite the bond with the experienced healer Severus had been a hair's breadth away from death for nearly two days after preforming the counter curse. Damn his blind hatred! Sirius was lucky Albus hadn't sent him flying across the grounds into the side of a mountain!

"Remus?" Bill said, startling him from his thoughts, "I've got the second port-key, are we ready?"

Lupin gripped Blacks upper arm. When the animagus went to pull away in irritation, Lupin gripped harder. He was sure he'd leave marks and, frankly, it was getting hard to care. Bill took Sirius' other arm and held out a rolled-up copy of the New York Times which had been transformed into a portkey for the second leg of their journey: from New York to North Carolina. Lupin reached out and put his hand on the paper and felt the sensation of his insides being hooked and jerked backward as he and the other two wizards were sent into the whirling maelstrom that would deposit them at their destination mere moments later. He felt the ground shift softly beneath his feet as they came thudding down in a sandy wooded area. 

Remus looked around at the trees. They were mostly pine and mostly a bit sparse on the lower branches. There was a good deal of sand mixed in with the soil... or, should he say, a bit of soil mixed in with the sand? There was a bit of brush here and there and some undergrowth, but nothing like that to which he was used. This wood had an eerie, almost empty feeling in comparison to the forests in England. "Well, we are quite close to the Ocean and further south, Longitude-wise," He thought to himself

Bill tucked the paper under his arm and looked about him, "Now where?" he asked gamely. 

"East until we emerge from the wood, not far. Then north about a mile to the Academy." Lupin replied, carefully repeating the directions he'd been given. 

"Good, a bit of a walk should clear my head," Bill said ruefully, "That last short hop wasn't bad, but using a portkey for the distance we went on our first go..." the younger wizard put the free hand to his stomach and grinned.

Lupin couldn't help smiling back. The red-headed man was incredibly refreshing to be around after the tensions of the last several weeks... and days. Bill was forthright and seemed rather determined to remain positive... in a very Weasley sort of way. 

"You've got a point, Bill, I have to admit," Lupin acknowledged, "Sirius, ready to go?"

The animagus had stood still and not said a word since their arrival in the wood. Lupin had no idea how to interpret this. Was he preparing run for it? Was he suddenly nervous? Was he simply plotting some way to have a small bit of revenge on his "guards"? The smile faded from Lupin's face as he realized he now felt his friend capable of any of these actions. Sirius merely grunted and scowled. Taking that as a "yes" Bill and Lupin began to move forward again. It was not a coincidence that both men decided to keep hold of Black's arms.  
  


"Welcome to the Lost Colony, Gentlemen" Lila Johnstone's words were firm and formal but held more than a hint of warmth beneath. Her vowels were relaxed and the syllables and words of her speech seemed to blend into one another. Lupin was suddenly put in mind of honey dripping from a spoon over his tea. Those words were not unlike the woman herself, Lupin mused. She somehow seemed both formidable and friendly at the same time. Her silver-streaked hair was swept up on her head, adding to the impression of great height; yet she was dressed casually in sturdy khaki slacks and an "Irish" cable-knit sweater. Remus struggled to wrap his mind around the concept of any community of witches and wizards, let alone those at a school, wearing muggle garb. He found her fixing him with an indulgent smile and wondered if she'd been reading his thoughts. 

Her smile moved to his right, to Sirius, and Lupin followed her gaze to his friend. Sirius still hadn't spoken and he now seemed... almost intimidated? Lupin caught Bill looking at him from Sirius' other side. The red-head had apparently noticed this, too, for he slowly raised a brow before turning his attention back to their hostess.

"Sirius," she said with a frankness that reminded Lupin of the younger wizard on Sirius' other side, "I'm glad you could come. It's good to see that you have remained healthy and out of the hands of your Ministry." 

Sirius made a noise and nodded.

"You must be Bill Weasley," Lila said moving forward with a smile and an outstretched hand, "Albus said you have rather red hair and wear it with rare confidence." Lupin saw a faint flush briefly tinge Bills cheeks at the compliment even while he grinned and took the Headmistress' hand in his own. Lila put a gentle hand on Sirius' shoulder as she moved past him toward Lupin.

"You, of course, are Remus Lupin," she said, again extending a hand, "Glad to see you here at last, even if it is only for a short stay." Lupin let his manners slip.

"Pardon?" he said, his confusion at the comment evident.

Lila chuckled a bit. "So the old dog never told you, did he? I should have known! Competitive sneak... I was interested in hiring you shortly before you started back at Hogwarts in the Defense Against the Dark Arts position."

Remus' jaw dropped slightly as she continued, "I made the mistake of speaking with Albus about that. I should have known better." Several portraits on her office walls scowled in disappointment and nodded emphatically at Lila's last statement. "Where are my manners?" she suddenly exclaimed, "please sit, all of you! May I get you some hot tea?"

Soon all four were settled with tea and cookies (they were not, Lupin noted, anything like the tea biscuits to which he was used... these round, thick, somewhat lumpy creations...) More pleasantries were exchanged before they got down to the matter of arrangements for the next few days.

"Mr Weasley, Do I understand correctly that you are going to New York but returning here after the holiday?"

"Yes," the wizard said, stirring to pull his satchel closer to him and looking through it's contents while he spoke, "I've got to go there for work, but thought I'd return here so Remus and I could make the trip back together. Ah, here it is!" Bill withdrew a very large rather thick parchment envelope out of his bag and proffered it to Lila, "Headmast- um, Dumbledore asked me to give this to you."

Lila took the envelope, not opening it, but immediately putting it on her desk. Sirius' eyes followed the envelope's progress but, still he said nothing... taking a noisy slurp of tea, instead, when he caught Remus watching him. 

"Thank you, Bill," Lila continued as if she had not noticed (which Lupin doubted), "You'll be leaving in the morning and returning when?"

"New Year's Eve, if that suits you."

"Of course. There are rooms ready for both you and Remus in the guest cottages and they are at your disposal as long as you need them. They're with you in the same cottage you had last time, Sirius."

Sirius nodded and muttered "Thank you." 

After a bit more small talk tea cups were placed and left in saucers and Lila suggested Sirius might want to show his friends the cottage. "You remember where it is?" she asked politely.

"Yes, thank you." Sirius said, heading quickly for the door with Lupin and Bill in his wake.

"Thank you" "Nice to meet you," they managed to say over their shoulders as they hurried to catch up with Sirius.

As they stepped out of the large stone building into the winter sunlight Sirius took a breath and Lupin sidled up to him.

"Hardly a word out of you in there, Paddy, what's up?"

"Nothing," Sirius grunted irritably

"Comeon, you were incredibly subdued in there, why?"

"Well, if you must know," Sirius hissed softly, looking to assure himself that Bill was a few steps away, "The Old Man isn't the first person to send me airborne across a room without a wand."

Remus looked positively flabbergasted. "What?"

Sirius scowled darkly, immediately regretting having made the admission. Still, it would be better if he explained. Looking again at Bill, who still stayed a few steps behind, he grunted, "Flashback. Azkaban. She had to. Still feel a bit off balance around her, though."

Remus felt a rueful smile curl his lip, "One would imagine."

***

A/N: We're home free after this... all the necessary set up and explanations have been made (and approved by Raven Dancer... Thank you!). Chapter Three: Remus learns the meaning of the southern expressions "you're working my last nerve" and "losing my religion." Mild? Most of the time, yes. In Chapter three he slips a bit... (For those of you who know the "helping professional" and "12 step" lingo... I'm just raising the bottom for Sirius) 


	3. Unleashing Anger?

Sirius Implications: Chapter Three "Unleashing Anger?"

  
  


The next morning Bill made some coffee in the cottage's small kitchen, downed a mug or two and apparated to New York. He'd looked Remus dead in the eye and reminded him he'd be back soon just before raising his wand.

"What?" Sirius sneered from the small table where he sat with his own cup of coffee, "Afraid to be alone with me, Remus?"

Lupin sighed and turned to face his old friend. 

"No, Sirius, I am not." With that he tossed the remainder of his own coffee down the drain and left the kitchen. He needed some air.

Didn't get far. He crossed the quaint little porch in front of the cottage and found himself sinking down on the steps, letting his head drop to his hands. Dammit! Sirius had always been stubborn but this... this was something else entirely. He hadn't the faintest notion of why his oldest living friend was so completely determined to be an arse. Remus was known for his patience but it had already worn thin before yesterday's trip with a snarling, ill-tempered Sirius. Today he wasn't sure he could face the animagus without snapping.

"So why don't you?" The voice startled him and he jumped, flushing. Before him stood a woman who seemed the embodiment of calm. Bronze skin, dark eyes, dark hair shot with silver, and a certain, indefinable... something... marked her as an Indian. No, Remus corrected himself, "Native American". 

"Beg pardon?" Remus finally stammered, feeling all the more flighty for her calm attitude.

"I said, why don't you?"

"Why don't I what?"

"Snap at him."

Remus plunged to his feet without thinking, "Excuse me?!" he said, not bothering to hide his agitation.

"Snap at your friend, why don't you." she said, again so patiently he wanted to scream.

"How," Remus said very slowly and carefully, "Do you know what I was thinking?"

"I wasn't trying to eavesdrop but you were thinking rather loudly," she explained.

Remus sat again. "Well, how do I think quietly enough to do so privately?" he said testily.

"You can think privately from now on. Unless invited I will not listen. This was an accident. Since, however, I did hear I felt I should ask why you do not 'snap' at your friend. It is resisting just such urges that makes your thinking so loud."

"I see." Remus said shortly, "Well, I certainly will consider it." His voice plainly said he would not. 

The woman inclined her head and made to move away.

"Wait, I'm sorry, I am Remus Lupin. You are?" he asked rising again and holding out his hand.

For the first time a smile quirked at the corner of the woman's mouth. "Ah, the famous British manners. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Remus Lupin. I am called Moon Dancer by my people. My 'white' name is Hope."

"Miss... Dancer, then?" Lupin asked, uncertain.

"If you prefer. It is, however, what the students call me. Perhaps you would prefer either Moon or Hope?"

"Moon might be confusing," Remus said ruefully.

"Why is that?"

"My nickname is Moony" he admitted sheepishly. She looked at him more closely for a second, a strange, thoughtful look on her face.

"Interesting choice for a werewolf," she said mildly. 

Remus resisted the urge to jump to his feet in surprise once again.

"We've hardly met and already you know a great deal about me. Are any of my secrets safe with you?" he asked with only a hint of sharpness in his tone.

"All of your secrets are SAFE with me, and not all that many are known to me," she said, searching for his eyes. When Remus finally met hers she let her gaze penetrate him and said,

"You already know some of my secrets, Remus Lupin. For instance, almost everyone here thinks that Hope is my only name," she broke eye contact and studied the ground for a moment, "Still you are right, calling me Moon would be confusing."

"Erm..." Remus said in a non-commital tone.

"Listen," she said, the barest hint of urgency blessedly evident in her no longer eerily calm voice, "I apologize. I have trespassed without meaning to and seem to have flaunted it. I truly only heard that last bit of thought before I spoke. I can see you are a werewolf, but that is all."

Remus sighed, "Well, it was more than a bit un-nerving. Still, I'm a bit tense and expect I reacted more strongly than I otherwise might have. Shall we start again?"

She nodded.

"Hello, my name is Remus Lupin, I'm pleased to meet you." he said extending his hand.

She took it, saying, "I am Hope Dancer." He smiled as they shook hands. "I'm pleased to meet you and should warn you," she continued a roguish light in her eye, "That I can sometimes read strong thoughts so you'd better watch it around me."

Remus snorted, "Well, I'm a werewolf, so step lightly at the full moon."

"Fair enough. It was nice to meet you," she said moving back toward the path. A few steps away she stopped and turned back. "I still think you should go on and snap at him. It might do him a world of good." Then she was gone.

Remus sat once again, shaking his head. He had only met two American women so far and, already, his respect for American males was growing by leaps and bounds. 

  
  


Later, Remus was unpacking his satchel when he came across the leash and collar they had used on Sirius in his dog form after he attacked Severus. He studied them for a few moments. What, exactly, should he do with them? Give them to Lila? Sirius? Just take them back to England? He sighed.

"What HAVE you got there, OLD FRIEND?" Sirius' voice growled from the doorway. For the second time in an hour, Remus felt himself jump as adrenaline from being startled sang in his veins. 

"Dammit!" Lupin cursed, "Why must everyone sneak up on me today?"

"Oh, but I didn't sneak up on you, Moony. Maybe you're just jumpy. Maybe you're afraid the mad dog will attack YOU." Sirius spat.

Lupin counted to ten.

"No, Sirius," he said in a voice clearly struggling to remain calm, "I am not afraid you will attack me."

"Oh really?" Sirius sneered, "Then why the collar, why the leash, OLD PAL?" With a swift motion Sirius' hand snapped out and grabbed both leash and collar. "Why ever do you still have these, then? Surely not for sentimental value?"

Remus concentrated on his next few breaths.

"Some fucking friend you turned out to be!" Sirius snarled, "How the hell would you like to be paraded around in a leash and collar? But you never thought about that, did you? You were only worried about the Snape. Poor Snapey is afraid of Black so lets just tie him up, shall we?" With that Black threw the leash and collar back at Lupin, they struck him hard and the DADA professor tried counting to ten... this time in Gobbledegook, the Goblin tongue. 

"Sirius," he said carefully, "We had a very good reason-"

"No, HE had a good reason for wanting to see me humiliated and he somehow got the old man to go along with him. You had no reason, none at all!"

"I would disagree," Lupin said, an edge of anger creeping into his tone.

"BAH!" Sirius spat, derisively, "You just do anything the old man wants! The wolf likes being fed regularly, doesn't he?"

When Remus responded there was a slight tremor in his voice, a hum of anger that would have quailed anyone wise enough to pay attention. "Yes, Sirius, I do enjoy the chance not to starve; but that is beside the point. No one had to convince me to put a collar and chain on you. No one, not Albus, not Seveurs-"

"Severus?" Sirius interrupted snidely, "That's right, you call him Severus don't you? Well isn't that cozy. Do the werewolf and the deatheater get on well?"

He had ignored it the first time. The second derisive "werewolf" was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Eyes flashing, he whirled on his old friend.

"No, the WEREWOLF and ALBUS' SPY get on very well! Frankly, ANIMAGUS, he makes a hell of a better friend than you do, you self-centered, arrogant prat. He doesn't think the world should revolve around his own wrong arsed notions AND he doesn't take cheap shots at the people he calls friends. That, for starters, puts him head and shoulders above you, OLD FRIEND. I don't know who the hell you think you are, but this person isn't someone I'd befriend now, trust me!" Remus spat kicking the collar and leash viciously out of his path then shoving roughly past Sirius, into the hall, and out of the cottage. 

Sirius stared after him feeling a bit undone. Mooney's words had been sharp, as sharp as Harry's had been... Agitated he began to move and his foot hit the leash. Anger flooded him as he gazed down upon it. The nerve, the absolute nerve of them... He picked it up sharply and gripped it hard, allowing the anger to take him away from less pleasant thoughts.


	4. Translation Problems

Sirius Implications, Chapter Four "Translation Problems"  
  


When Remus returned about an hour later, the early morning sun had burned off the mist that shrouded the Roanoke Campus. As he let his feet shuffle on the sandy path to the cottage he couldn't decide whether or not he was sorry to have snapped at Sirius. Well, at least he could tell that Dancer woman he had if she asked. Well, speak of the Devil...

She was standing at the bottom of the porch steps with her hands folded, watching him. He stopped shuffling and walked more purposefully.

"Ms. Dancer," he nodded, "Seems you like our little guest house a great deal."

She smirked and ignored the comment.

"I'm here to meet Mr. Black. I saw you on the path and decided to wait. I thought it might be good if you introduced us."

Remus looked suspicious. "Why do you want to meet him?"

"I am the new Healer on staff here. I will be working with Mr. Black."

"Ah." Remus said. He wanted to warn her, to sarcastically wish her luck, to offer sympathy... he wasn't really sure which. Instead he said, "Well, then, follow me."

He opened the door to a glaring Sirius with the collar and leash sitting on the low table in front of the couch. Terrific. Still belligerent. Well Hope Dancer would get a rather clear idea of what she was facing at any rate. Sirius' expression changed from baleful glare to wary suspicion when the healer stepped into the room behind Remus.

"Brought re-enforcement?" Sirius sneered.

Damn, he really couldn't keep a lid on it even for a minute, could he? Remus decided the best course of action would be to ignore the comment.

"Sirius, this is Doctor-?" he looked with a question at the healer who nodded, "Doctor Hope Dancer. She is the Healer on staff here at the Academy. She's here to meet you."

She smiled warmly and stepped forward, with her hand stretched out for the ubiquitous American handshake, "Glad to meet you."

Sirius snorted but held out a reluctant hand for a quick, awkward shake. Almost immediately he sneered and said, "Doctor Dancer? That sounds like the name of a bad rock band." There was a defiant, self-satisfied look on his face as he waited for the healer's reaction. To his obvious disappointment the corner of her mouth quirked and she said, "I'll remember that if I decide to go into show business. Since I am currently a healer, however, I'd like to start today if you don't mind. Can you meet me in the Main Building at One Thirty?"

Sirius opened his mouth then closed it again. A second later he grumbled, "Not as if I have anything else to do in this blasted place."

"That's the spirit," Dancer said a dry edge to her voice, "I'll see you then." She turned to walk out and Remus shot Sirius a look and turned to follow her. He caught up with her on the path in front to the cottage. He cocked his ears to listen to her muttering.

"Bad Rock Band... if I had a dime for every time someone pointed that out-" She stopped and spun on her heel looking Remus in the eye, "Now who's eavesdropping?"

"Sorry, I just wanted to-" What did he want to do? Get away from the person who used to be his best friend? Well, yes, but... "I wanted to apologize for Sirius he's... He's not himself, hasn't been for a while." he finished apologetically.

"Well," she sighed beginning to walk and inclining her head for him to join her, "That's why he's here. Tell me, though, has he always become hostile as a defense mechanism?"

"Pardon?"

"It seemed to me that when he felt a bit vulnerable in there... meeting the shrink he has to work with... he started in again with the 'witty repartee'."

"Well... I," Remus stammered, "I don't know. I've never thought about it."

"If you would be willing to, I would appreciate the chance to pick your brain while you're still here."

"What my brain?" Remus asked.

"Sorry... 'Pick Your Brain' I suppose that must be an American expression... it means get information from you. In this case, I'd like to know more about Sirius."

"Oh, well, if it well help."

"I hope it will."

"Fine then, 'pick' away."

She smiled and Remus noticed how her eyes crinkled up when she did. She seemed like a nice person... he just hoped Sirius would eventually think so.

"Well, I'm afraid I have an appointment in about fifteen minutes or so. Could we talk before lunch? Around ten-thirty?"

"Certainly. Meet you in the Main Building?"

"Thanks. Oh, one quick question now, however."

"Um?"

"Is there a particular reason you didn't mention to Mr. Black that I can hear strong thoughts?"

"Oh, well... not really. Didn't seem the time, I suppose." Remus thought for a moment, "Don't think I will, though."

"Really? Why?" she asked genuinely curious.

"You're going to need every advantage you can get."  
  


  
  


At one-thirty Sirius stood in the lobby of the Main Building, hands shoved in his pockets, glaring at the portrait of a colonial witch in front of him. Hope Dancer looked at him from the second floor landing, considering. Her mind drifted back to the conversation she'd had with Lupin before lunch. They had walked among the dunes and winter-gray coast as Lupin spoke with very little prompting from Dancer.

"...I honestly don't know who he is anymore, I know that's a cliche but it's damn true. I expected some changes in his personality after Azkaban but this isn't just a change, it's like a personality transplant."

"...He's always been stubborn, no denying that. But... well, I suppose I always wondered why he just seemed to decide to hate Severus Snape out of the blue like that. The moment he saw him he just despised him. There was no talking to him about Severus. Ever. Otherwise, though, he always seemed just as reasonable as the next person. He was a pretty happy-go-lucky bloke. High spirits, center of attention, popular..."

Dancer had spent the hour before meeting Lupin reading the lengthy letters sent by Albus Dumbledore and both the Healers from the village near Hogwarts. She knew that in school Black had lured Snape into the place Lupin stayed while a werewolf as a supposed prank. This, however, was a prank that everyone save Black seemed to know was deadly. Lupin hadn't mentioned the incident at all that morning. Was it a simple matter of not having got to it? 

The Grandfather clock below sounded a single chime to mark the half hour and Dancer gave herself a slight shake and made her way down the stairs to meet her new patient. She concentrated on projecting warmth and acceptance even while she readied herself for the inevitable hostility she was sure to meet.  
  


The chime of the clock at 1:30 almost made Sirius jump. Almost. Damn, you'd think this place would be less creepy than Hogwarts seeing as how it was a campus of buildings instead of one huge castle. Maybe it was just because it was nearly empty. He heard steps and the stairs and turned to glare at the Healer coming down toward him. She was smiling warmly but Sirius wasn't going to buy it. Shrinks did that. They acted all friendly and warm to disarm you. He might be forced to work with the woman but he wouldn't fall in the role of patsy. 

"Well?" he growled before she could speak, "Let's get on with it, then. Where's your office?"

Damn infuriating woman just smiled.

"That sounds like a good idea, Sirius, this way." and she led him back up the stairs toward the Academy Infirmary and her office.

Her office was fairly comfortable and decorated primarily with a profusion of plants. When he had settled in a chair across from her and refused offers of "hot tea" and other refreshments she folded her hands and spoke.

"Sirius, I'd be an idiot if I didn't realize working with me wasn't your idea," she began.

He snorted derisively but said nothing.

"Your idea or not, you're here and you're going to be spending a lot of time sitting across from me in this office. So long as you've got to be here, I hope you'll consider making some use of our time together." 

Sirius sneered slightly and said nothing.

Dancer pulled out a pad and pencil, "For now, why don't we just start with your life story. Nothing deep like you blame your mother... just who you are, where you were born, who your family is... that sort of thing."

Sirius just sat.

"Alright, then," Dancer said putting pencil to paper, "Sirius Black. Have you got a middle name?" He glared but shook his head. "Born in England?" He nodded. "Anywhere in particular?" 

He scowled but answered at last, "Bath"

"Alright," she said, jotting that down, "Where the hell is Bath?"

Sirius sighed (rather dramatically) and grudgingly explained Bath's location relative to the rest of England. He also described his family home... more properly a small manor, truth be told, on the outskirts of a smallish village.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Dancer asked, pencil poised. Was that a wince?

"No," Black said harshly. 

There was a pause before Hope spoke again, her tone gentle, "Did you have any brothers or sisters?" Eyes flew up to meet hers then moved just as quickly to study the carpet. He said nothing, as he crossed his arms more tightly across his chest and hunched into them. The healer let the silence stretch out between them, waiting. 

Finally, a single word, "Yes."

"How many?" she prodded gently

"One"

"Brother or sister?"

"Brother"

"Older or younger."

"Older."

"He died?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to tell me how?"

"No."

"Alright," she said just as gently. "When you're ready."

Black just scowled.

The healer let a few moments pass in silence before beginning again, "Did you go to school before you left for Hogwarts?"

"No. We, I had tutors at home."

"Did you enjoy your lessons?"

"I did well."

"I'm not surprised you did well in your lessons; but did you like them?"

"Never thought about it. I suppose." Black answered grudgingly.

"What did your parents think?"

"Of what?" Black asked an incredulous look on his face.

"Of your grades."

"I told you I was tutored at home, there were no particular grades to move in or out of ."

To Black's surprise the healer chuckled softly, "Sorry, I should have expected that." Black raised a brow but said nothing. Dancer continued, "Translation problems. I think what I was trying to ask about were your ...Marks."

Comprehension dawned on Black's face and for the briefest moment he almost relaxed into a smile, until he considered the question itself. Then his face fell back into the harsh lines it had worn during most of his short acquaintance with the healer. 

"They were happy so long as they were good." Black tossed off with only the barest hint of bitterness. 

"And if they weren't?"

"They always were."


	5. Butterfly Breeze

Sirius Implications: Chapter Five. Butterfly Breeze

  
  


"A butterfly moving its wing in China may eventually lead to a tornado in Kansas."

  
  


Hope felt a small flutter in the region of her stomach and realized she was smiling. *Stop that!* she thought to herself. *You're busy trying to build some trust with Black and get him to relax. This is not time to go getting goofy about his best friend.* A friend, she noted to herself, with whom he was currently very angry. 

His friend, *Remus* a wicked part of her brain reminded her helpfully, was also angry with Black - and with far greater cause. Black blamed Remus unfairly for things that were his own fault. But he was scarcely ready to face that. She sighed. If she could ease him toward accepting his own problems and not blaming others; if she could do this by the time he transferred to Geneva, she would be satisfied.

*To do that, dear,* the annoyingly helpful part of her brain noted sourly, *you've got to keep up that 'unconditional positive regard;' and you can't undermine trust by doing some heavy breathing with the best friend.* Hope rolled her eyes. She hated it when her brain treated her to an internal debate. The Shamen who had been her mentor said it was a good thing to clearly hear more than one side of an internal dilemma. Although she knew he was right, Hope longed for the blissful days when she only "heard" what she wanted to.

She took a deep breath and concentrated on the screeching gulls diving and dipping toward the dark winter water of the Atlantic. The golden light that had pierced the horizon was now spreading itself out and disappearing into the weak blue of the early morning sky. Another sigh and she found herself sitting on the cool sand, wrapping her arms around her knees and resting her chin on them to stare blankly at the horizon and think...

  
  


Remus Lupin softly closed the door of the cottage behind him and stepped lightly over the porch and down to the path. Once clear of the house he took in a huge lungful of the chilly early morning air, held it, and slowly exhaled. He felt himself relax a bit and did it again. Damn, spending time with his best friend shouldn't be this difficult! But it was. He seemed to be the target for all of Sirius' anger - and there was more than enough to go around. Remus' every word, every gesture, seemed to be taken as an opportunity for an angry word or accusation and it was wearing. 

He'd been even worse when he came back yesterday from his first session with Hope Dancer. Remus wasn't sure he could take another week or more of this without bodily grabbing the animagus and trying to shake some sense into him. That, he supposed, probably wouldn't be constructive... but it was tempting.

He had shoved his hands in his pockets and wandered toward the beach as he thought. He liked the cool harshness of the winter sea here, and he liked being "away" being somewhere far from home and all the expectations of the people around him. If only Sirius weren't trying to give him an ulcer! He was on the beach now, enjoying the soft give of the sand under his feet as he walked along, watching the gulls looking for breakfast. They were very cheeky birds, swooping close to him without a trace of fear. He'd have to bring them some bread or something tomorrow and see just how close they'd come for the food.

He turned his attention from the gulls back to the stretch of beach ahead and saw he was not alone. In the distance a figure sat, staring toward the ocean, seemingly unaware of his own presence. Remus considered turning around to give the person privacy even as he continued to walk toward the individual. When he was close enough to see it was Hope Dancer he knew he probably should turn back but found his feet carrying him resolutely forward, kicking his feet into the sand with each step to make a bit more noise.

  
  


Hope heard him and felt his presence before she looked up. *Speak of the Devil...* the helpful part of her mind taunted her. *Oh, shut up!* she retorted as she turned her gaze to the first person who had caused her stomach to flutter in years.

"Good Morning," she said, making to rise from her seated position. 

Without thinking Remus reached out his hand to offer assistance and Hope took it. At the contact of skin both of them jumped and pulled their hands back as Hope hastily got onto her feet on her own and brushed and batted sand off herself rather more vigorously than was strictly necessary.

"Good Morning," Remus finally replied as she turned, sand free, to face him.

"Up to see the sun rise over the ocean, then?" Hope offered.

"Well, yes. That's the excuse, anyway," Remus managed.

Hope chuckled. "Had to get out of the cottage did you?"

"I beg your pardon!" Remus exclaimed, indignant, "Did you or did you not promise to stop eavesdropping in my head?"

Hope looked taken aback for a moment then she began chuckling once more. "Honey," she said in a southern drawl that flowed out like the liquid she'd used as an endearment, "Neither I, nor anyone else who has met Mr. Black lately, needs to read minds to know why you're out and about at the crack of dawn."

Remus felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment at his presumption ... and in pleasure at the endearment.

"I'm sorry, I apologize," he said mildly, "Things have been a bit stress-filled lately. And," he continued ruefully, "getting up at the crack of dawn isn't my usual routine; especially without coffee."

Hope chuckled again and began to walk up the beach, motioning for Remus to follow.

"Um, where are we going?" He asked jogging a few steps to catch up.

"To get you some coffee: the good stuff."

  
  
  
  


Hope had led Remus to a local coffee house. Remus so enjoyed the walk in the chill morning air that he doubted he would have cared had the coffee been bad. It wasn't. In a word, it was marvelous. The rich aroma wafting through the morning air practically left him weak in the knees. 

"You know," Hope had confided to Remus as she lead him into the shop, "Benjamin Franklin said 'Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.' I think he had the right idea and the wrong beverage. COFFEE is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy."

"Or," Remus added wickedly, "That there is, indeed, a God at all."

By the time they returned to the campus of the academy, rather large take-away cups still in hand, their conversation was so easy it was as if they had been friends for ages. Remus was still chuckling to himself when he turned to take the steps to the cottage while Hope continued on to the main building.

"Chummy, aren't you?" 

The angry tone cut through the pleasant feeling Remus had built up like a knife. Sirius. He was sitting on the porch, arms crossed, practically breathing fire.

"Didn't even see me, did you?" Sirius seethed, "Too besotted with your new friend, eh?"

Sirius was spoiling for a fight. As usual. Remus wasn't willing to give it to him. 

"Good morning, Sirius," he said heavily, and proceeded past his friend into the cottage.

Sirius was right on his heels, slamming the front door and spinning Remus roughly around so that the coffee cup flew out of his hand. Remus didn't see where it landed.

"What exactly," Sirius snarled, "Do you think you're doing OLD FRIEND?"

Remus felt the anger coursing through his veins. It felt strangely like ice. Sirius was about to get his wish.

"Well, old friend," he said in a soft, deadly voice, "I might ask you the same thing."


	6. No Use Crying over Spilt Coffee?

Sirius Implications, Chapter Six: "No use crying over spilled coffee?"

  
  


Remus' rejoinder had sung with hostility and anger. A part of Sirius Black was taken aback at this. However, he had worked very hard at ignoring good sense of late. Now was not the time to change course. Better he should push Remus away than watch Remus reject him. Clearly he was getting ready to do so. So chummy with the Snape, then with Weasley, now with his blasted shrink!

"I am asking my best friend why the hell I see him coming back to the cottage at the crack of dawn with my bloody shrink! I didn't know you were such a slut, Remus."

He didn't even see it coming, but he felt it. Remus' open hand hit the side of his face hard leaving the nerves stinging with pain. All in all it was probably good the slap was such a shock or he would have returned worse to Remus. 

"Don't," Remus said, darkly, "ever confuse my behavior with your own! I don't behave that way and I very much doubt Hope Dancer does, either! I deserve a hell of a lot better than that from you!"

That almost hit home. Almost. But then Remus had conveniently called the blasted shrink by her first name.

"HOPE?" he sneered, "It's first names already, is it? Well, if you weren't shagging the shrink what WERE you doing, eh? Maybe you were having a little chat about me, eh? Such a loyal and good friend you are!"

"I'm a hell of a lot better friend than you are, you prick!" Remus retorted hotly, his fists clenched at his sides.

"Oh, really, then why are you talking to that woman? What did you say about me this morning, eh?"

Remus snorted. "This morning? Not a bloody thing about you. Now, yesterday..."

Black's eyes narrowed, "What - did - you - say - to - that - woman?"

"What's this? Afraid of what I might have told her?"

"Of course not!" Black snarled, suddenly on the defensive, "What would I have to be afraid of YOUR telling her?"

"I could think of a thing or two," Remus said dryly.

"Please!" Black tried to sneer. He didn't quite pull it off. "What could you possibly tell her that she hasn't already heard from the old man?"

"Well, for starters," Remus said with a level of bitterness that was a bit surprising, even to him, "Albus Dumbledore probably couldn't tell him what it feels like to discover your best friend doesn't give enough of a shit about you to worry about whether or not you'll be sent to Azkaban or even executed."

Blacks head seemed to spin a bit. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Gee, I wonder, Padfoot. I wonder. Perhaps you can think about it while I go to get some coffee. Mine seems to have spilt!" 

With these words Remus shoved past the animagus and stormed out of the cottage heading for the woods into which they'd first apparated. It was going to take more than counting in Gobbledegook to calm himself down this time.

  
  
  
  


When Sirius Black showed up (ten minutes late) for his morning appointment with Hope he was practically singing with anger and tension. He stalked across the room and dropped in a chair with a thud. Hope took a sip of coffee from her mug before speaking calmly.

"You're late."

"So?"

"So, I would appreciate it if you made a greater effort to be on time."

"Oh, Sorry," Black replied in a tone that showed clearly he was not. "I thought you wouldn't notice."

"Why is that?"

"Well I thought you'd be tired from your exertions with my best friend."

Hope's brow rose, but her tone stayed light

"Perhaps you'd better explain what you mean by that, Sirius." 

"I saw you two EARLY this morning," Black sneered.

"And?"

"And I have a pretty good notion of what you two were up to."

"That being?"

Black felt sudden embarrassment, but ignored it. "Probably shagging each other's brains out." he spat.

"You know," Hope said, with a calmness that belied her anger, "I never could remember the difference between 'shagging' and 'snogging' but that hardly matter since we did neither. In any case, if we had I'm not sure it's your business."

Sirius snorted.

"Tell me what bothers you about the thought that we might have."

He couldn't. He stared at her blankly, unaware of the lost expression on his face.

"Clearly it angers you. I've often noticed that anger and fear are often connected. Does something about the idea that your, ahem, 'shrink' and your friend might be intimate scare you?"

"I don't scare easily."

"I don't imagine you do, but that wasn't the question. Why does the idea bother you?"

Black scowled and looked away.

"Are you afraid of losing him?"

Before he could catch himself Black snorted and muttered "Too late."

"What makes you think that?" 

There was a hint of surprise and concern in her voice that pulled a part of Sirius to her like a magnet. 

"Please. First Dumbledore, then Remus, and even Harry abandoned me for him!"

"Him?"

"The Snape! That F-ing Bloody deatheater. They chose him over me. Sent me over the blasted ocean and now Remus comes out with this bloody nonsense about me trying to send him to Azkaban!" It all came out in a rush with Sirius looking at her, daring her to deny the truth.

She leaned back and took a breath before answering.

"What do you mean about Remus saying you tried to send him to Azkaban?"

"How the bloody hell should I know? He came out with this claptrap about my not caring if I sent him to Azkaban or had him executed!"

*Aha, the "prank",* Hope thought.

"What do you think he's talking about?"

"Hell if I know," Black scowled.

If nothing else, Hope was impressed by Black's singular ability to block out other perspectives and points of view. It wasn't a good thing, but it did take singular devotion and force of will. That he couldn't, even after having twelve years of brooding and negative thoughts in Azkaban, connect the dots to understand what Remus meant... Well, she had some work to do. "I doubt you'll accept my word for it," she started, "but I believe you are wrong about Dumbledore, Remus, and your godson. If you and I can sort that out, you might be able to sort a few other things out, as well."

Black snorted and crossed his arms.

*Yup, this is going to be an uphill climb* she thought.


	7. Cold Shoulder?

Sirius Implications, Chapter Seven

  
  


Kicking a few trees and lurching about the woods muttering curses had only served to help Remus tamp down the desire to throttle Sirius. He seemed unable to also cool his anger toward his old friend. 

*Dammit, why should I? Yes, he's had a horrid go of it but it's been no picnic for the rest of us and, frankly, it's not our bloody fault! What he did, though... never thinking of anyone beside himself and his own f-ing opinions... Just has to do what HE wants to do, no matter the consequences to anyone else, dammit. Sick of it, I'm sick of it!*

  
  


Remus stayed away the whole morning. When he'd returned to the cottage he was moody and silent, taking pains to avoid his "friend". Frankly, this wasn't much of a change from the last several days and Sirius wasn't sure he hadn't lost his friend. Meanwhile, that blasted bloody shrink had tricked him into making several admissions. Nothing big, mind you, but it still irked him. 

He didn't realize that he'd been staring out the window of Hope Dancer's office, in the direction of the cottage no less, until her voice startled him out of his reverie.

"Things still touchy between you and Lupin?" She asked.

Black scowled and said nothing. To be more precise, he didn't talk. His face and body language spoke volumes.

"For what it's worth," Hope said gently, "I think it's just anger and frustration."

"Just?" Black asked incredulously.

"Yes, just anger and frustration, not anything that has to be friendship-ending."

Sirius looked at her as if she had two heads. What the hell was she talking about?

"See here, in case you hadn't noticed, it already has."

"What makes you say that?"

"He's avoiding me, hasn't spoken to me in days... now he's gotten unbelievably angry. It's over."

"You don't think you two can work through the anger?"

Sirius chuffed in derisive disdain.

Hope considered for a moment. 

"What happens when people become angry?" she asked

"What? With me you mean?"

"Yes and no. Just in general, when people become angry what happens?"

"The usual. You know."

"Tell me anyway"

"Well...," Sirius trailed off trying to put words to it, "... When people are angry they don't want to even spend time with you anymore... they shut you out and move on... if you're lucky."

"If you're lucky?"

"Well, when someone gets angry they can make life a bit unpleasant. You know that!" Sirius said, a bit more forcefully than he intended. This was the way of the world, right?

"If they're not angry, then?"

Sirius smirked, his face clearly stating, 'that's a dumb question' With a roll of his eyes he answered. "It's okay. It's good."

"And how does one keep others from becoming angry?"

Again the "dumb question" look. But Hope continued to regard him evenly, waiting. 

"You... er, well you do what they want. You keep them happy. You measure up."

Hope scribbled something on her pad to remind her to dig around those answers in another session. Right now, the issues with Remus needed more attention, as the wizard would be returning to England soon. Both Remus and Sirius needed to talk about the infamous "prank". While that might have been better later on, she needed to strike while the iron was hot. And, all things considered, it might not be such bad timing ...if it could knock a hole or two through Black's emotional walls.

"Tell me if I'm wrong," She said in gentle, non-accusing tones, "But it seems to me that you haven't been trying to keep Remus happy. It seems like you've been trying to make him mad."

Black's eyes flew to hers, the face around them registering fear and anger and... betrayal?

"I think you know it's true, Sirius," Hope said, her voice still gentle.

"But, But Why would I...?"

"I don't know, why would you try to make your best friend angry with you?"

"Well that's stupid I wouldn't..." There was a pregnant pause. Then, "F-k, I would."

"You've been working rather hard at it."

"Well, I guess I've been angry with him..." Black proffered uncertainly.

"So you wanted the friendship to be over?"

"NO!" Black's answer was swift and had more genuine feeling than most anything he'd said in that room before. 

Hope leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, hand's clasped loosely before her.

"Sirius, you say that anger ends relationships, you've been trying to make Remus angry, and yet you say you don't want to end your friendship. Something's not adding up."

Sirius looked striken as his mouth opened and shut in search for words, not unlike a beached fish searching for oxygen. Hope thought she might be seeing her first true glimpse of the man.

"I - I... Merlin, I don't know! I'm just an idiot." He finally said, dropping his head into a hand for a brief moment before catching himself and sitting back up.

"No," Hope said, voice filled with warmth, "You're not an idiot, but there's more going on in your head and in your heart than you've been willing to admit." 

Black raised a brow, but didn't sneer.

"Okay, lets try this," she said, "If I told you someone else had been deliberately trying to make someone mad what would you think they were doing?"

"Well, I'd think they were trying to trash the relationship, of course. But I don't want to lose Remus, so that can't be it."

"No, you don't WANT to lose him, Sirius, but you're trying anyway. Why?"

"This is ridiculous, of course I'm not." A pause "I'm not, right?"

"I can't answer that, Sirius. You've got to tell me."

"But... what if I can't?"

  
  
  
  


Sirius' head was swimming as he walked back to the cottage. He didn't want to lose Remus' friendship, did he? No, of course not! But, then, why was he behaving that way... didn't he think something like that... no... A horrible ache grabbed his chest at the very thought. But why, then? Why was he being so bad with him? *Why have you done most of what you've been at, lately, eh? No! Can't think about that now!* Sirius pushed the intruding thoughts away as he mounted the steps to the porch of the cottage.

Sirius was in the sitting room later when Remus came in. His old friend froze for a split second upon sighting him there and the tension that filled his frame was incredible. Damn, had he done this? Remus was wary... exchanging few words before heading to his own room. Damn, damn, damn! What had he done? He'd pushed him away. His last friend was gone. The realization was like a sledgehammer to the gut. He'd lost Remus, now, too. First Dumbledore and Harry, now Mooney... the only ones he had left... 

His chest really hurt now an the air felt, thicker somehow. He gulped for air hearing a wheezing sound as he pulled hard to bring air in his lungs with what seemed like little success. All the while the thought kept at him *Alone, you're alone* His breaths increased but he still couldn't get air, gods he couldn't breathe! He clawed first at the air, then at his throat, with no success. All the while the litany kept sounding in his head, "you're alone, alone, alone..."

"No Dammit!" he cried hoarsely as he turned to push his way out of the cottage. *Air, I need air! They won't give me any air! I didn't do it, I didn't do it!* He was running, stumbling, lurching forward. He refused to stop, even when something hard bit into his knees, and scraped his hands. He kept running, he had to keep running. The wheeze sang louder in his ears and his lungs and head both burned from lack of oxygen but still he ran.

It was getting harder to move his legs, he couldn't breathe, but he had to run... *They're coming! They're coming! Get to the Sea!* Suddenly he was so cold and he could hardly move his legs at all as he fought against the weight surrounding them. His lungs screamed for air as his whole body tumbled into the numbness and the cold...

  
  


Remus was sitting on his bed, head in both of his hands wishing fervently that this day would speed up and go by more quickly... that each of the next five would go by so he could leave and go home. *Leave your friend behind* "Yes, dammit!" he snarled to himself. He was wondering if he should risk emerging for lunch when he heard a hoarse cry in the next room and the thudding of running feet and slamming doors.

He was on his feet and to the front door in time to see Sirius stumbling blindly toward the beach. For a moment he didn't know if he should follow, but he knew he would. He went jogging after Sirius as a steady pace. He wouldn't hurry, instead he'd keep his distance and see what was up.

As Remus crested the dunes Sirius was running and stumbling blindly toward the water moving his arms as if fighting off some unseen enemy. He clutched at his throat and chest as he plunged straight into the water, still clutching at his throat and waving one arm blindly. The cold water slowed his movements but didn't stop them. Remus found himself running.

He locked his eyes on the animagus as he ran as fast as the sand would allow. Sirius was getting deeper. *Damn, what the hell?* Remus thought as his foot caught on something and he felt himself go down. He pulled his arms in and rolled, not waiting for his body to stop moving before untangling himself and moving forward once again. His eyes returned to check on the animagus. He was gone. Nothing could be seen of Sirius except a slight disturbance of the undulating water.

"Padfoot!" Remus ran forward and flung himself into the cold water. He lost feeling in his legs almost immediately as his body fought convulsive shivers. Determined, he plunged forward and dove. 

His limbs were like lead he could hardly move them and it seemed he could move them less each passing moment. It was only by force of will he was moving forward, eyes searching under the water for his friend. His screaming lungs forced him to surface and gulp air before plunging down once again *Help, Dammit! We need some help!* he thought desperately as he tried to move his increasingly numb body to find his friend. 


	8. Baywatch

Sirius Implications, Chapter Eight. Working title: "Baywatch meets HP"

  
  


Remus flailed his numb limbs desperately as his eyes searched for his friend *Someone! Anyone! I can't do this alone!* he mind cried out desperately. He felt a slight jolt as his arm hit something. He wrenched his body around *Sirius!* He moved numb arms to pull and clutch the animagus to him even as he kicked legs he could not feel in order to surface. His lungs were so desperate for oxygen that he started inhaling before he surfaced and came up coughing and wheezing. He was trying, with near useless arms to hold Sirius above the surface at the same time he kicked his legs attempting to move them both toward the shore. 

"Where the hell are you?!" a tense voice sounded in his head.

Remus put his head back and cried out as loud as he was able "Here! We're Here, in the water! Help Us!"

The next few moments stretched out like an eternity as Remus continued to try and drag both himself and Sirius toward shore. He had no idea how he was holding Sirius or if he was moving at all, his body was completely numb. He mustered the last of his strength for one final yell "Help!"

Seconds or an eternity later there was shouting behind him and the sound of splashing in the water. He saw, rather than felt, hands lift Sirius from him and pull him back toward the shore. Another set of arms appeared around him and he could see he was moving. "Thank all the gods," he whispered as he felt his body shiver violently and noticed he was out of the water. Only then did he allow himself the luxury of losing consciousness.

  
  
  
  


Remus woke to warmth and softness. He was in bed somewhere. Cautiously he cracked an eye. Hospital Wing. It was remarkable how much this one resembled the one at Hogwarts. All Hospital Wings probably looked alike.

"Welcome back, Matey," a cheerful male voice sounded to his right. 

Remus turned his head to see a young man in light blue cotton pants and shirt that were both cut loosely and simply. He frowned, this garb meant something... Of course, it was what muggles working in medicine wore. 

"Professor Lupin, I'm Bob. I'll just go tell the doctor that you're back among the living," the young man said, still cheerful.

"Wait I-" but Bob was gone. Remus looked in the other direction and saw Sirius lying a few beds away. He was quite still and apparently still unconscious.

"He'll be fine," Hope's voice sounded from behind him.

"He looks a bit unconscious to me," Remus proffered

"Well, he was in the water and deprived of oxygen longer than you. Fortunately for him the water is cold and there was no brain damage."

No oxygen? Brain damage? "Wait, he didn't, he wasn't?"

Hope sat in the chair next to Remus' bed and looked him in the eye. "He owes you his life in more ways than one. He would have drowned if not for you. You were doing a pretty decent job of getting him out of the water but he had stopped breathing. If you hadn't called for help we wouldn't have been there to revive him."

Remus made some motions to get out of bed but Hope placed a firm hand on his shoulder.

"Listen we got you dried out and warmed up quickly enough but you were suffering from hypothermia, Mister. You're going to stay in this bed and rest until at least tomorrow morning."

"Hypothermia?" Remus asked weakly.

"Yes, hypothermia. Perhaps you noticed the water was cold?" Remus could swear her eyes were twinkling. "Just because North Carolina is in 'The South' doesn't mean these are tropical waters. It's December 30th for the love of Ptolomey!"

Remus said nothing. He was still processing. "Oh, come on, lets sit you up and put something hot into you." Hope said with a slight quirk of her mouth.

"But Sirius-"

"He will be just fine. He's exhausted, of course and would still be unconscious even if we hadn't sedated him. Oh, thank you, Bob. " Hope had reached across Remus to take a steaming mug from the young man. "Best damn nurse I've ever had," Hope confided as she passed the mug to Remus. It smelt of chocolate. He took a sip and found a delightful taste crossing his tongue even as the hot beverage slid down his throat coaxing the lingering chills from his body.

"Ahhh, that's good," Remus sighed. Hope laughed.

"Somehow I suspect I could give you brown water and you'd still say that so long as it was hot. But this is pretty good. The Headmistress got the recipe from a friend ages ago."

Remus savored a few more sips of the cocoa under the Healer's watchful eyes before taking a breath and asking, "So tell me what happened? Who pulled us out?"

"Professor Pope and myself. He was out on the grounds when I went pelting by, thank Merlin. You were still in the water when we got there and you were both pretty blue. You actually weren't too deep. As I said, you'd done a remarkable job of pulling him out. I sent Alex up for some help while I tended to the two of you."

"You had to revive Sirius?"

"Yes, he'd been under just long enough to stop breathing... it was a simple matter of stimulating lungs and heart... they're perfectly healthy, they'd just been forced to stop without the O-two they needed. We put drying and heating charms on you both and got you the hell up here to the Infirmary. That's it, really."

Remus scowled into his cocoa as he processed this. "But you didn't just happen to find us, you said you'd been running by when the other professor joined you. You were running to find us?"

"Yes, I heard you call for help."

"But I didn't yell until after I heard you shouting asking where I was."

"Ah, well... I suppose I owe you an apology, Remus. I was eavesdropping in your head again. In my defense, you were rather loud... I was minding my own business when I heard you shouting, as it were."

"Well, I'd be an idiot to be mad at you for this," Remus allowed, shaking his head. "Damn, we both could have died."

Hope laid a gentle hand on Remus' arm. "Yes, you could have. Can you please tell me how you and Sirius wound up in the ocean?"

"I was in my room when I heard Sirius shout something and go stomping out. I almost didn't follow him but... well I did. He was half-running, half stumbling, waving his arms, clutching his throat. It was the damnedest thing. Hope I swear he looked out of his head. I'd been keeping my distance but when I got to the top of the dunes he was plunging forward into the water like he didn't see it," Remus voice was tight with tension as he recounted the incident. " I ran, but it was still a good distance and then I fell, and when I got up he was gone. I went in after him but I could hardly feel my arms and legs and I could hardly see and I - I-" 

"Shhh," Hope said soothingly as he took the mug from his hands, "breathe for me, take a deep breath. You're starting to hyperventilate. That's it. Good." Her warm hands were on his shoulders and he looked up into her piercing gaze. "What you did was save your friend's life. As blue as you both were I'm amazed you were still hanging on to him; AND you were still trying to move to the shore when we got out to you."

"I was just so helpless, I couldn't control my body, we were both going to drown-" Remus' voice was shaky and Hope simply gathered him to her, letting him rest his head on her shoulder. He clung to her as a few tears slipped out. He wasn't used to human comfort and he still wasn't sure why he needed it so badly.

"Being helpless, being unable to control your body, especially in daylight with less than full moon, that scares the crap out of you, I'll wager." Hope said as she ran a soothing hand along his back. Remus nodded dumbly, "Perfectly understandable. Anyone would be feeling panicky after nearly drowning -not being able to breathe tends to inspire a panic response... not being able to feel your limbs only made it worse." The Healer was running her hands in soothing circles on Remus' back as he leaned into her shoulder, soaking up the comfort.

  
  


Black was first conscious of the voices. They sounded familiar? Well one did. What were they talking about? He began to catch a few words and made out his own name.

"Can you please tell me how you and Sirius wound up in the ocean?"

"I was in my room when I heard Sirius shouting something..."

The animagus kept his eyes shut as he listened. Was Remus really talking about him? When had he run like a crazy man into the ocean? He'd nearly drowned? Remus came in to save him and almost died, too? He could hear his friends voice shaking and his breathing grow more rapid as he spoke. Then the Healer was soothing him, it sounded like.

Sirius opened his eyes and gazed in the direction from which he had heard the voices. Hope Dancer was holding onto Remus and patting his back as he... cried. Remus was crying. *What the hell did I do?* he thought as his tired eyes slid shut once more and the sedatives pulled him back over into sleep.


	9. Aftermath

Sirius Implications, Chapter Nine: Aftermath

  
  


Remus Lupin awoke with a start, sitting up and flailing around, tangling himself in the bedclothes. He was trapped, drowning, gasping for air... then strong, gentle hands were grasping his arms and a rich, soothing voice was speaking to him. 

"It's alright, you're safe. You're safe, Remus Lupin, you're safe"

"Sirius?" he gasped

"Sirius is fine as well," the voice calmly assured him as he felt the warmth of healing energy being pulsed into him. He took a deep, shuddering breath and allowed himself to be propped up on some pillows. For the first time, he focused on where he was and who he was with. His eyes met those of Lila Johnstone which were crinkling warmly at the corners as she regarded him. She gave a final pulse of energy and rose to cross the room. Mere moments later she returned with a steaming mug. Remus' nose twitched involuntarily as the scent of chocolate wafted over.

Johnstone smiled at what must have been a rather eager expression on his face. "Would you like me to add something for a dreamless sleep?" she asked, tilting her head to indicate the mug.

"Uh, no, I don't think so... I think the cocoa will do the trick all by itself." The older witch smiled and passed the mug to Lupin.

As Lupin sipped he watched her settle in a chair near the foot of his bed. Glancing over he noticed Sirius had been moved to the next bed and that Johnstone's chair was between them. A book and a mug sat illuminated by the light of a hurricaine lamp on a small table beside Johnstone's chair. She lightly tapped the mug with her wand and brought it, steaming to her lips.

"Ah," she murmured with a small smile, "Earl Grey... Britain's lasting contribution to world welfare." 

The corner of Remus' mouth quirked up at this, "I don't know," he said lightly, "Really, Switzerland or whomever had invented hot chocolate should be afforded the honor of 'contribution to world welfare.'"

"Well, you do have a point. Fortunately, there doesn't have to be only one nation so honored... not even in the category of hot beverage. After all, there are several variants of coffee and espresso alone..."

Again, Remus felt himself smiling as he thought of Hope and looked around the ward again. It was quiet and lit only by the light from Johnstone's lamp.

"How long have you been here, ma'am?" he asked her

"Oh, a while I suppose," she answered lightly

"Does the Headmistress normally take the night shift in the Hospital Wing?"

Johnstone laughed quietly, "No, no... In that case I'd be in here all the time during the school year what with all the minor illnesses and injuries of the students!" She paused, her eyes meeting Remus' own, "I just feel better being able to look after friends and other people who are important to me. Now, drink up, you need to get back to sleep, Professor."

The warmth from the cocoa seemed to fill Remus and he felt his eyes drooping even as he took his last few sips. Hands slipped the mug from his grasp and helped him shift and snuggle down under the covers once again. As he closed his eyes he felt the covers being tucked about his chin and a gentle hand moving a lock of hair off his face. He sighed, and slipped back into dreams.

  
  
  
  


Remus woke again as a beam of late morning sunlight from the window moved up to his face. He squinted and threw his arm over his eyes with a moan. At this. a low chuckle assaulted his ears. He moved his arms and squinted at the figure in the chair that had been occupied by the Roanoke Headmistress. Even with vision still blurred with sleep he could tell it was no longer her. This figure had red hair. Red Hair? Remus rubbed his eyes and tried to wake his mind. He looked again.

"Bill! Bill Weasley, when did you get back?"

The younger man was settled comfortably with his legs propped up on the bed that had held Sirius the evening before, his finger holding his place in a book.

"Well, welcome back to the land of the living, Remus," he said with a smile, "It's nearly eleven in the morning, I thought you might sleep the day away, miss ringing in both New Years."

"Both?" Remus asked in confusion as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

"Both, mate!" Bill answered happily, leaning back into his chair. "I figured we should raise a glass when it's midnight in dear old Britain, as well as when it's midnight here. They're having a nice, quiet gathering here; probably like the one you told me they did at Christmas."

Remus rubbed his eyes again and shook his head. Damn, he'd forgotten this was New Year's Eve. That seemed strange to him considering the fuss that normally attended the holiday in Scotland. Of course, he rarely had the chance to participate in Hogamany parties when he'd lived in Scotland, he'd been too isolated. When he thought about it, it seemed to him that something nice and quiet would be alright. If Sirius was well enough to do anything, something "public" might keep him in line, too. He looked at Bill.

"Any idea where my kit is?"

Bill inclined his head toward a neat pile of freshly laundered clothes a few feet from his boots on the bed. 

"Washroom's at the end of the ward," Bill added helpfully.

Remus rose with a groan and gathered the clothes he had been wearing yesterday which, thankfully now smelled "April fresh" instead of brackish. Upon rising his brain seemed to drop into gear.

"Where's Sirius?" he asked sharply, realizing that the animagus wasn't anywhere in the ward.

"They released him about an hour ago, Remus. Said you could go when you woke." Bill informed him. Something crossed the younger wizard's face and he bit his lip. Remus waited. "He kicked up quite a fuss, you know. No, not that!" Bill added quickly, "He didn't want to leave while you were still here. Wouldn't go until I promised to stay with you." Bill was clearly confused by Sirius' behavior. He wasn't alone. 

Remus didn't know what to make of that, either. He wanted to believe it was some remnant of caring or affection. He wanted to believe this but wasn't sure he should get his hopes up. Sighing, he settled for heading for the washroom with his bundle of clothes.

  
  
  
  


At about the time Remus was gathering his clothes and heading for the washroom, Hope was regarding a rather agitated wizard seated across from her in her office. She'd scanned both British wizards earlier that morning while they slept and left Bob instructions to release them when they woke, asking the nurse to be sure Sirius was awakened in time to make his morning appointment.

For the first time Sirius had been early. He was having a hard time staying still, either wringing his hands or bouncing a leg. He kept biting his lower lip and, when he finally met Hope's eyes his own seemed, haunted. 

"How are you feeling, Sirius?" Hope asked with as much warmth as she could, "Can I get you something hot to drink?"

"No, no... that's alright. Thanks," Sirius began, his voice as agitated as his limbs, "I'm, I'm alright, feeling alright, physically - that is." The animagus paused and then looked up again, locking his eyes with Hope's. "Is it true?"

"What?" Hope asked.

"What they said happened."

"Well, what did they say?" Hope asked mildly

"I went nutters and charged into the ocean and almost drowned and Remus almost drowned pulling me out." Sirius said in one breath.

Hope kept Sirius' gaze as she answered evenly, "Yes, you did almost drown and Remus did risk his life to save you. I'm not yet sure 'nutters' is the term I'd use for what happened to send you into the water... I was hoping you and I could try and figure that out together."

Sirius' voice was hoarse with concern, "Is Rem going to be alright?"

"Yes, he'll be just fine, Sirius. You, actually, were the one we were most worried about. You were under long enough to stop breathing and, from what Remus told me, I'm not sure you ever realized you were in the water. Can you tell me what you remember?"

"I.. I... I'm not sure really," Sirius said with an honesty Hope was unused to.

She leaned forward and grasped one of the wizard's hands. They were still cold. For a moment Hope thought of getting him some hot tea before the counselor in her reminded her she needed to take advantage of the man's openness as long as it lasted.

"Do you remember our session yesterday?"

Sirius shifted uncomfortably, "yes."

"Well, then, lets start with what you remember from there. Did you go back to the guest cottage afterward?"

Sirius nodded, misery edged with panic creeping into his face.

"How were you feeling?"

"Fine," he shrugged

"What were you feeling?"

"I, well... I. Nothing special, I suppose."

"Sirius," Hope said gently, "I want to help you figure this out, but you've got to try and remember."

Sirius opened his mouth as if to say something but closed it again. For a few moments he didn't speak but it was clear he was trying to remember as his face drew into a frightened scowl. He turned his gaze to the carpet and kept it there as he spoke.

"I, I... I was confused... I couldn't seem to think straight, I couldn't understand about Remus. I mean," He choked a bit but continued, "you were right about how I've been treating him." He paused and swallowed hard, "But I know I don't want to lose him and I just couldn't figure that out. Then..." He trailed off.

Hope waited a minute and squeezed his hand. "Then?"

He gripped her hand with both of his and looked up at her with fear and indecision fighting on his face. Hope knew he was feeling desperate; that he wanted to trust her but was afraid and unsure how. She added her other hand and squeezed Sirius' back.

"Sirius, I'm here to help you. I want very much to help you. If you give me your trust I promise to do everything in my power to be worthy of it. You don't have to do this alone."

The animagus' breath caught at the last word and his face twisted. Suddenly he pulled away and wrapped his arms about himself, and began to rock forward and back.

"But I am! I am alone! Don't you understand? I'm alone and it's my fault!" The words began tumbling out faster and faster, "yesterday when Remus came in to the cottage he flinched, he FLINCHED when he saw me. Oh gods, he hated me or feared me or I don't know, but I knew then that I'd blown it. I've lost everyone... everyone I AM alone. I thought I could handle it but I couldn't. I can't." The last two words were uttered in a shame-filled whisper.

Hope leaned forward and put a hand on Sirius' knee, sending some warm energy into the wizard in front of her while she projected warmth and acceptance. After a few moments she spoke again, gently prodding the animagus to continue while he was open to admitting to himself what had happened.

"What happened after Remus came in?"

"I... I... it's not too clear. I remember having trouble breathing and wanting some air"

"What was that like, not being able to breathe?"

"Awful... like drowning on dry land, like being ...trapped."

"Does being trapped remind you of anything?" Hope asked, acting on a hunch. Sirius nodded but did not speak. Hope sent another pulse of warm energy into him and asked, "Can you tell me?"

Sirius voice was thick and his gaze stayed fixed on the floor.

"Azkaban," He choked out, "it reminds me of Azkaban."


	10. Traditions are Important

Sirius Implications 10: Traditions are Important

  
  


A/N: who loves her reviewers? I do! Thanks so much, y'all. Tessie and Ozma, this chapter is the embodiment of the adage "good things come to those who wait."

  
  


Hope had to admit she was surprised by Sirius' openness during the session. She regarded it with a kind of wondering gratitude. She wished, sadly, she could have talked to her Shamen mentor about it but she knew what he would tell her if he were alive: to stay open, herself, and follow her instincts. Her instincts told her that Sirius felt he was losing the very thing that probably helped him endure his twelve years at the hands of the Dementors in Azkaban. 

The British Wizard's prison was notorious, even in America. The fact that Sirius had emerged relatively sane after his escape was nothing short of miraculous, it spoke of an incredible resilience. But that resilience was threatening to crumble. Hope had a pretty good idea of what was causing this: the consequences of Sirius' behavior over the last several months. What she didn't know was what had caused Sirius to behave that way.

They had spent an emotionally wearing session sorting out everything Sirius could remember about the day before and some of the related issues. Finally, Sirius sat limply, still gazing at the floor. Hope reached out her hand and gently tipped Sirius' chin up so that he was looking at her.

"Sirius, it does sound to me like you had a flashback to some of your darker moments with the dementors," she said, as he bit his lower lip again, "I want you to remember that you survived those foul creatures and you'll survive the situation you're in now. Sirius, you've shown a lot of guts today talking to me and that's what's gonna do it, I think. I know you feel horrible now but I feel pretty hopeful."

Sirius looked both skeptical and desperate to believe at the same time. 

"Sirius, the Headmistress has invited Bill, Remus, you and I to lunch," Hope began, watching dread replace the other emotions in Sirius' face. 

"I, uh, maybe I shouldn't go," He stammered out.

"Don't quite know what to say to Remus?" Hope asked and received a nod in response. "Well, this is a pretty safe way to face him, with re-enforcements, as it were."

"I suppose," Sirius said, sounding unconvinced.

"May I make a suggestion?"

A nod.

"Why don't you start by saying 'thank you' and see how things go from there? I'll be with you and I'll try and lend a hand if you need it."

He was biting his lip again. When he spoke it was the barest whisper, "thanks."

"Sirius, I'd like to pulse you a bit before lunch, is that alright?" 

Again the animagus nodded and Hope moved to sit beside him on the couch, putting her arm around his shoulder. She began to send him some warm energy and felt him lean into her and, after a moment, grasp his hands together and lean his head on her shoulder. He looked very much like a young boy. Hope reached over and covered his hands with her free one.

  
  
  
  


Remus and Bill were already with Lila Johnstone in the dining area between her office and her private quarters when Hope and Sirius arrived. She felt a spike of apprehension rise in both Remus and Sirius as they entered and briefly put a light hand on Sirius shoulder, silently communicating support. Bill turned with a grin as they entered and Hope was struck with the thought that the ebullient young man personified his hair color rather well. 

Lila smiled warmly, "Hope, Sirius, I'm glad you could join us," she said, easing them into the room in that gracious southern manner she wore so well. "Bill, did you meet our Healer this morning?"

"No, Bob, the nurse, told me I'd just missed her."

"Bill Weasley, allow me to introduce you to Doctor Hope Dancer. Hope, this is young Mr. Weasley."

Hope couldn't help smiling as Bill took her hand and firmly shook it. "I've heard only a little about you, Mr. Weasley, but it was all good and, I suspect, all true." she noted.

"Well, you've not heard nearly enough if you're still calling me by my father's name," Bill replied jovially, "Please, it's Bill."

"Hope." she responded in kind as she dropped her hand and turned slightly to face Remus. As she did she felt that strange sensation in her stomach that she associated with cresting the rise on a roller coaster and beginning to drop. Internally she cursed her stomach and her emotions but was distracted by a rather direct gaze from the English Wizard.

"Remus, it's good to see you. Are you feeling alright after your adventure?" she managed to ask. 

"Yes, I am," he said, avoiding looking over Hope's shoulder at Sirius. "And I'm very grateful to you for your help." He took her hand and, if it were possible, intensified the directness of his gaze. Hope had to resist jumping in surprise as she clearly heard Remus' voice in her head, "We should talk later." She squinted at him. Yes, he knew he was doing this. She nodded, squeezing his hand and then letting go as her stomach reminded her, again, of what roller coasters were like. She quashed the distracting thoughts and feelings. There was something more to be done here and delaying would only make it more difficult.

She stepped back and slightly to the side so that Sirius and Remus were, more or less, facing one another. Surreptitiously, she touched the animagus' elbow in silent encouragement. Sirius' gaze flew to the floor. But then he cleared his throat and raised his gaze. His eyes didn't quite make it to Remus' face. They stopped at about his friend's shoulder, but Hope thought this was pretty good.

"Remus," He began with uncharacteristic uncertainty, "I, uh, I wanted to..."

Remus stood patiently but did not move or speak.

Sirius' eyes flew to Remus' face and then dropped again to the region of his friend's shoulder. "Thank you.. so much... thanks for saving me, I'm sorry you had to."

It was Remus' turn to bite his lower lip. There was a pause and then the werewolf simply said, "You're Welcome." 

Fortunately, for the old friends, Johnstone's instincts as a hostess had been finely honed over many decades and she stepped in to take the pressure off the wizards who clearly needed to work things out later in a less public setting. 

"So, young William," she said, her voice rich, "Please tell me a bit more about your job with Gringotts. It seems to me that being a curse-breaker could be very exciting but also might become tedious. How do you find it?"

Hope patted Sirius' shoulder and smiled at Remus. This was hard for both men, but she was pleased that Johnstone's luncheon had given them the opportunity to break silence in a relatively safe place. 

Bill Weasley was a charming young man and an excellent story teller. He took the cue provided by the Headmistress to regale them with a few of his more humourous adventures as the five of them were served Iced Tea by a house elf and found their places at the table. Hope was interested to note that Sirius and Remus were seated on either side of her with Bill and Lila across from them. She raised a brow at the Headmistress who merely smirked and asked Bill about New York City at Christmastime.

By the end of lunch some remarkable teamwork by Lila, Bill, and Hope had the other two wizards speaking again, although what was unsaid remained palpable between them. Hope was rather insistent that both wizards rest after lunch, sending Remus back to the cottage and Sirius up to the Hospital Ward.

The five lunch companions joined the rest of the faculty who remained over the holidays for supper in the large and festively decorated faculty longue. All of the assembled American witches and wizards raised their glasses and shot confetti from their wands as the hour of the new year in England came. Hope actually caught Remus and Sirius smiling in one another's general direction at this before Bill caught her eye, glanced back at the older wizards, and winked.

There was much animated conversation with the three British wizards as this was only the second opportunity the American professors had to really talk with their guests. Aside from Bob, Hopes very able nurse and assistant, and Alex Pope, none of the Roanoke faculty were aware of the ocean adventure the day before. Knowing this put both Remus and Sirius at ease and both of them eventually relaxed and warmed to the various conversations. 

Many of the faculty had been introduced to Sirius the summer before as Silas Cane, an academic doing research in the field of transfiguration. They accepted this explanation without question. Johnstone's faculty were well aware of her efforts to fight dark wizards both internationally and in America. Last summer had not been the first time a foreign wizard had come to do "research" for a time at Roanoke and it wouldn't be the last. The Witches and Wizards on staff at Roanoke were a remarkable group, chosen carefully by their headmistress over the years. They knew when to speak and when to be silent, when to ask questions, and when to accept what was presented them.

While Remus was engaged in quite a bit of academic discussion, Sirius was not pressed in that area. Instead, he was more often plied with questions about Britain in general and his time as a student at Hogwarts in particular. Bill, ever the charismatic charmer entertained the most of the group for a great deal of the time. By the time supper was over, Remus and Sirius were no longer dreading the New Year's gathering with the staff and their assorted spouses and "significant others" later in the evening.

  
  


By all accounts, the New Years gathering was quite successful. The History professor had brought not only his wife but also his twenty year-old daughter. As the professor had doubtless suspected, she and Bill were immediately drawn to one another. Johnstone and Professor and Mrs Pope buttonholed Sirius and kept him entertained. In fact, Johnstone had given Hope a rather firm nudge in Remus' direction when she'd swept off with Sirius.

"Damn woman is far too observant," Hope muttered, as she smiled at the British wizard and joined him at the refreshment table. Later, as she and Remus stepped out on the gracious wrap-around porch for some air, she was feeling less annoyed at Johnstone. After a few awkward moments she and Remus had fallen into animated conversation. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Remus said, stopping a turning to face her more fully.

"You can ask... I can't always answer but I'm willing to entertain questions."

"You 'heard' me at lunch, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did," Hope answered honestly, "I, uh, well I had the impression you wanted me to."

Lupin smiled, "I did."

"Oh."

Silence reigned for uncounted moments before Remus spoke again, "That's the third time that I know of." Hope nodded. "So, does this happen a lot, do you hear a lot of people's thoughts? That would drive me a bit daft, I think."

"Well, that's why those with the gift are taught to shield themselves early on. So, no, it doesn't happen very often at all. Usually it only occurs when I lower my shields when I've hit a rough patch in a counseling session ."

"Were your shields down that first morning, then?" Remus asked, curiously.

Hope paused and bit her lip. 'Oh, great now they've got me doing it, too,' she thought before the intensity of Remus' gaze, his very self brought her thoughts back. She took a deep breath and softly breathed, "No, they weren't"

"So is that the level of intensity that slips in through your shields? That's not very much, you must hear a lot of static then if that's a-" Surprised by her own boldness, Hope placed a gentle hand on his lips to interrupt him.

"It takes a considerable bit more than the intensity of emotion behind the thought than you were having to break through the shields without my help. Usually it needs to be at least as intense as your metal cry from the water and, even then, I usually need to be closer to you physically, at least close enough to see you." Hope hadn't admitted this to herself let alone to anyone else as of yet and her voice was tightening with the confusion she felt. Finally, she finished in a near whisper, "Even though you were trying, you shouldn't have been able to 'talk' to me the way you did yesterday unless I lower my shields first. I don't know what it means."

Remus was speechless for a moment, taking it all in. If Hope didn't know what it meant, he certainly didn't! Well, that is, he didn't know. If he were honest with himself he'd have to admit he had some hopeful suspicions. "What do you think it means?" he asked softly.

"Well," Hope said, coloring a bit, "clearly we have an innate connection of some sort.

"Is it because I'm a, I'm a-"

"Werewolf? No, I don't think so, Remus," gods why did she love to say his name so much? "I've worked with several werewolves out west. This didn't happen with them."

Remus stepped closer to Hope and took both her hands in his. He was upping the ante, and he knew it. "Surely you have a theory?"

Hope said nothing. The pair simply stood silently, both conscious of the nearness of the other. They were so close, in fact, that Remus felt Hope's slight shiver in the cool night air. Remus slipped his blazer off and draped it around Hope's shoulders, leaving his hands resting on there. She looked up to thank him and found her breath catch upon finding her face inches from his. She noted he was breathing a bit harder than usual when a voice from the party could be heard calling "One minute! One minute to Midnight!"

"What do you do at midnight in America?" Remus asked softly, "Any special traditions?"

"We, uh... we count down the last few seconds," Hope said, finding it hard to breathe, "and we, often, usually, we, ah, kiss someone," she finished with a blush.

Neither of them moved or spoke for what felt like a great deal more than one minute. It was soon apparent it hadn't been nearly that long as the voices from the party could be heard raised in the traditional countdown.

"Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six!..."

"Traditions are important," Remus breathed as he cradled Hope's head in his warm hands and lowered his head to kiss her to the cacophonous sounds of noise makers and shouts of "Happy New Year!" 


	11. Time to say Goodbye?

Sirius Implications, Chapter Eleven: Time to say Goodbye

  
  


Sirius and Remus' goodbye a few days later had been a bit awkward but, considering all

that had gone before, much better than either of them expected. There was the expected

awkward silence, and the shifting from foot to foot for a moment. Finally, they has spoken nearly

simultaneously saying generic words of goodbye neither could remember an hour later and

clapping one another hard on the shoulder.

Hope and Remus' goodbye was... more difficult. Both felt the attraction they shared but

both had things they had to do; including saying goodbye. For now. Again there had been

silence; this one filled not with awkwardness but with longing, hope, and regret. Hope could feel

a longing ache coming from Remus much as though it was coming from herself. She had taken

Remus' hands and stared down at them willing herself to regain control when she heard a small

gasp. Her eyes flew to his.

"I think I felt you." Remus said.

Hope cursed Roanoke, Hogwarts, the Atlantic Ocean and everything else she could think

of that sought to separate them as she lifted her face to his for one last kiss.

  
  


Hope supposed it was easier not to think of the Werewolf as each day passed and turned

to weeks and then to more than two months. Truth be told, it felt like more than ten weeks or so. 

Sirius had opened up considerably after his "flashback" and, to his credit had worked like... well,

frankly, like a dog in his time with Hope... the isolation from his Godson, friend, and country seemed only to fuel his desire to dig into what was separating him from them. The lack of any word from his best friend, Godson, or anyone else intensified the isolation and made the consequences of Sirius' actions come home to him even more powerfully.

They'd spent the last several weeks dealing with the pain, fear, and isolation he'd felt in

Azkaban. She'd been right about Sirius, he was resilient, amazingly so. The work around

Azkaban had built up a great deal of trust between them and showed Hope Sirius' mettle. It had

also brought them around, again, to the issue of his godson, Harry. That blasted shrieking shack...it all seemed to begin and end and begin again there. The shack seemed to exert a strange power over her patient and his peers... it seemed to draw them all in only to tear them apart. 

Harry was the reason Sirius had escaped Azkaban, Harry had brought him his first taste of

joy in twelve years the night they all met in the shrieking shack. But speaking of this led to

speaking of Remus and of Snape. His vitriol for the Potions Master had not abated one bit. But,

before he was ready to deal with the issue of Snape there was something else he needed to face...

there was a wall that needed to be knocked down.

Sirius and Remus hadn't gotten a chance to "go into things" before Remus returned with

Bill Weasley to England. But Remus had, at Hope's request, left her with a letter to Sirius: a very heartfelt and emotionally wrenching account of "the prank" from his perspective. Hope had put it carefullyaway, waiting for the opportune time to share it with Sirius. 

Hope weighed the letter in her hands as she sat facing the animagus. It was time.

  
  


The Healer watched the emotions chase across Sirius' face as he read the letter in his

trembling hands. Dread first then fear. There was a great deal of wincing and a growing dismay. 

As the animagus drew near to the end of the missive he drew his breath in and stared for a time at

a single spot on the parchment. Finally his eyes began to move again even as tears began to slip

out.

"He can't," Sirius finally choked out

"He can't what?"

"He can't... think that I wanted to send him to Azkaban or see... see him killed?" The

horror and disbelief in Sirius voice were strong as he looked up from the pages. 

"Sirius, I think it might help you to finish the letter..."

His hands gripped the pages convulsively and fear took precedence over the other

emotions colouring his features as he stared at the Healer sitting across from him. He swallowed

hard several times but did not drop his eyes to the pages. Finally he lowered his gaze to the floor

and whispered, hoarsely, "I can't"

Gently, Hope reached out and slipped the pages from his grasp and turned to the last page

and began to read aloud,

  
  


"Sirius, I don't understand much about that night. I don't understand why you did it

though I've tried hard over the years to figure that out. For a time it was just easier to think there

was no particular reason other than you weren't the person I thought you were. When you came

back to us I discovered that you were the man I had called my friend. But that only made things

harder as I was forced to try and figure out why my friend would do such a thing... not just to

Severus, but to me. Why would my friend so carelessly mark me for Azkaban or, more likely,

death?

"Then I realized that you hadn't done that. You didn't plan to put me in that position. I

suspect the truth is that you didn't think. That's the trouble, old friend: you don't think. You

charge ahead and act on your opinions and feelings never dreaming the destruction that doing so

might cause. I know you didn't mean to put me in the position you did. But would not having

meant it have fixed things if Albus hadn't intervened to cover up your crimes? If I had been

"destroyed" by the Committee would your not having meant it bring me back to life?

"gods, Siri, I know you have a good and decent soul ...maybe that's why what you did so

long ago and what you've done this past year hurts so much. I have been angry... I suppose I still

am. But I also want you to find some healing. Please, Sirius, please... even if you never explain

them to me, please try to figure these things out for yourself before it's too late. -Mooney"

  
  


Silence reigned in the office for several moments as Sirius absorbed the words Hope had

read to him. He was fighting with conflicting emotions... this was clear.

"Ohgodsohgodsohgods!"

Suddenly his hands were over his face and the animagus was falling out of his chair to the

floor hyperventilating and sobbing. Hope knelt beside him and grasped his shoulders, pulling his

head into her lap and letting him cry and wail. There was a lot of grief in this outburst... both old

and new. He needed to weep. She would wait it out. 

  
  


The sessions following the sharing of "The Letter" were grueling. The fact that Sirius

began to have nightmares about The Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures hunting

down Remus didn't help.

"I saw the executioner last night, in my dream" Sirius confessed one chilly morning.

"What did the executioner look like?"

A pause. "It was Snape."

Well. The man's psyche was going to move through his issues full speed ahead, wasn't it?

"Any idea why it would be Snape?"

The Animagus began clenching and unclenching his hands in his lap, struggling to answer. 

Finally, he spoke, "I, I... don't really know. Well, no, that's not it. I don't think I know the real

reason. I know the basic reason but not the real one."

"What's the basic reason?"

He bit his lip. "He's an evil bastard."

"Ah. That's pretty much how you've always seen Severus Snape isn't it?"

Sirius nodded.

"Well, from what I hear Professor Snape doesn't go to much trouble to correct that notion

so it's probably pretty easy to think of him that way."

Sirius looked up with a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" expression. Hope decided to

let the shoe go.

"Let me ask you this, Sirius. Albus Dumbledore: is he evil?"

"No, but-"

Hope held up her hand. "Hang on, we'll get to buts later. Now, Remus: is he evil?"

A smirk crossed Sirius face before he answered, "You don't think so, I'll wager."

It took everything Hope had NOT to blush but she was on the trail now and not willing to

be distracted. "I want to know what YOU think, Sirius."

"No, of course not, gods!"

"And Harry, your Godson?"

An expression of pain crossed the Animagus' face as he answered, hoarsely, "No, not

Harry."

"Three good people, different ages, different perspectives, none of them fools, would you

agree?"

The animagus nodded.

"Do they think Snape is evil?"

A grimace. "No, but- but Snape's got them under some kind of influence or spell!"

"ALL of them?"

"I suppose"

"Even Dumbledore?"

"He's the worst!"

Hope took a breath and spoke words with all the gentleness she could muster, "But is

Albus Dumbledore a fool? Is he weak enough to be spelled by a wizard well over a hundred years

younger? And if Snape were truly evil and working for the darkness and not the light AND he had

Dumbledore somehow in his thrall do you think Voldemort would have been defeated fifteen

years ago... or even kept at bay for this last year?"

Sirius looked at her as she spoke his expression becoming more lost and confused by the

minute as his emotions fought with his good sense. He had hated Severus Snape since the age of

eleven and nursed those feelings of hatred through twelve years in Azkaban. They had more than

made themselves at home in him. But, as emotional and volatile as Sirius was, he was not dumb

and his mind was slowly accepting the truth. But would his heart come along with it?


	12. Perseus

Sirius Implications Twelve: Perseus

  
  


A/N: I'm sorry it has been so long between updates. My father ended a long battle with cancer on Friday August 9 and, I'm sure you understand, that took up a great deal of my attention. In fact, I wrote this a couple of weeks before I things reached a crisis and only just remembered I had it to post. There are two more and I'll post them when I've a chance to edit them. 

Thanks to Raven Dancer for her support as a writing peer and a friend.

  
  


***

  
  


As the Spring Break approached at Roanoke Academy the air of excitement was palpable. Not only were the students excited about the coming holiday, but the faculty was also. The Triennial International Magical Education Conference would be held in London during this time. The Headmistress was going and several members of the faculty were giving seminars. Yet, in spite of the jovial atmosphere, it seemed Hope's special patient was growing more depressed.

  
  


When Hope broached the subject in counseling, he was non-commital. 

  
  


"It's the conference isn't it?" Hope asked. Black nodded glumly. "Had to be in London, didn't it?" she asked the sympathy in her voice palpable.

"Sirius," Hope said leveling her gaze at the animagus, "I know it must be hard watching so many people get ready to go to England because that's where you want to be and you can't go. You've been working hard and making real progress... so long as you continue to commit to the process I don't see any reason why you won't eventually be able to return to England and to your friends."

Black sighed, "I know. It's just... hard. In a lot of ways."

"Like?"

"Well, I know what the people who used to love me think of me now."

"And that would be?"

"An uncontrollable bastard who's so selfish he does whatever HE wants even when they beg him not to."

"Is that true?"

"I - I don't... yes."

"Why, Sirius?"

"I did. They all begged me not to and I ignored them"

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do. Think. What was so important to you that it blinded your better sense and your consideration for the feelings and needs of those you love?"

  
  


The animagus didn't answer but his fists closed and clenched into balls so tight that the skin went white and the joints blue.

  
  


"What are you thinking about right now, Sirius?"

"Him"

"Who?"

His lip actually curled. "Snape"

"What about him, Sirius?"

"I don't know what, specifically, it's more a - a- feeling I just get - so- ANGRY! I want, I want... He shouldn't get away with it, someone should punish him for what he did to him!"

"Him who?"

"Perseus!"

Hope took a deep breath. The brother. 

"What happened to Perseus?"

Wild eyes looked up out of a face twisted with grief and trembling with adrenaline.

"He hu-humiliated him! He - he- ...then he just let him die! He died, dammit! and Saturn didn't care. He was relieved, the fucking bastard!"

Saturn. The father. Interesting. Hope didn't have the time to contemplate the implications of this latest revelation. She captured her patient's hands and uncurled his fists which were shaking and quite blue. At first the animagus resisted then, suddenly, his hands opened of their own accord and he pulled them away from the Healer and covered his face.

  
  


It took a while for Sirius to compose himself. When he did he took some very deep breaths and looked Hope straight in the eye.

"Are you ready to talk about your brother, Sirius?" she asked gently.

He nodded.

"Can you tell me what happened to him?"

Again, he nodded and took yet another deep breath. When he spoke his voice seemed both detached and trembling at the same time.

"You know how things were with my parents," He began.

Hope did, indeed, the cold bastards withheld every emotion save anger from their children. In the Black household children were seen and not heard. They were brought before Saturn and Aurelia to "report" on their marks periodically. They were occasionally trotted out at social functions and expected to be clever and charming. 

Hope said as much to Black and he nodded, then continued,

"The year Perseus came home for the last time things changed. They had more guests in the house more often but they never called on me to come and go through my paces to demonstrate my obedience and the brilliance of their genetics," he said, a slight sneer colouring his voice. "Perseus was in his fifth year at Hogwarts. Merlin, I looked up to him... he... he was everything I wanted to be. He was so grown up and clever and jolly. He knew how to please them and still managed to get off a sly wink to me without being noticed. The trouble he could make and not get caught... 

"Anyway, I had done a little spying on them and the guests but whatever they were doing it was so boring to me. They were just some kind of long meetings where everyone gestured a lot and planned and argued again and again. They talked a lot about a man I'd never heard of with a name I thought was strange and couldn't remember. 

"I would have stopped sneaking down to spy pretty quickly if it hadn't been for the dark-eyed man. He was clearly in charge and he seemed to be able to tell my parents what to do. I couldn't believe it."

Black laughed bitterly at this point before continuing, "I thought that man was a god. But even he couldn't hold my attention very long and I stopped spying ...until Perseus came home.

"I knew something was wrong immediately, not just because he came home too soon but because I never got to see him. He came home of a sudden and there was such a row between him and my parents the night he did." Black's voice had dropped nearly to a whisper.

"I was so scared, I didn't know what was happening but I knew it was bad... Then the dark eyed man came and a few of the others and I thought 'He'll fix it. He'll tell Sir to stop yelling at Perseus. Sir has to listen to him.'"

Black paused again, but it was clear he was merely gathering himself to tell what came next. For her part, Hope sat very quietly, listening and waiting, and bracing herself for what she suspected would come next if her suspicions about the dark-eyed man and Sirius' parents other friends was true.

Sirius looked past her, his eyes focused on the wall behind and above her right shoulder but clearly seeing nothing that was there. His voice, too, became a bit hollow as he continued.

"They didn't close the Drawing Room doors behind them. I guess they felt they didn't need to. The servants would never interfere and I was hardly a concern. I was on the other side of the manor locked up in my room asleep like a good boy, wasn't I? 

"There was an alcove just inside a small servant's corridor covered with a tapestry. It was almost directly across from the Drawing Room doors and I could get down there and back through servant's corridors without them ever being the wiser. I was sitting peering out from behind the tapestry across the foyer into the Drawing Room. I saw it all. I saw everything."


	13. Witness

Sirius Implications, Chapter 13: Witness

  
  


WARNING: This chapter contains descriptions of extremely disturbing violence and abuse. If you are at all sensitive about these things, DON'T read it. Hope will sum up the important things Sirius tells her at the beginning of chapter fourteen which is posted as well... just skip ahead and read that.

  
  


"I saw it all. I saw everything." Black said hoarsely, still looking above Hope's shoulder as if he were viewing the past again on some sort of muggle moving picture screen.

  
  


"When the Dark eyed man came they yanked Perseus in front of him from somewhere else in the room He looked awful and he was scared, I could see that he was scared. But he also looked... defiant. The man told Perseus he'd dis-disappointed our Parents, that they knew what he'd been doing and it was to stop... that he needed to ... to 'atone'. I remember that because I didn't know what the hell 'atone' meant. 

  
  


"But Perseus he just raised his head and said 'no.' The man struck him so hard that he would have fallen if my parents hadn't been holding him there by his arms. I had to put my fist in my mouth to keep from making any noise and it just... I never took it out that night.

  
  


"Perseus, just looked at the Dark Eyed man and said, clear as a bell, 'I love him and I won't stop.' And they just held him up... he hit my brother with the Cruciatus and Saturn and Aurelia just held him up for it. They cursed him and they hit him and kicked him... it was so awful I couldn't believe I was seeing it. And he wouldn't tell them what they wanted to hear, he wouldn't. I think I was praying for the first time in my life that he would just tell them what they wanted but ...but he wouldn't. "

  
  


Blacks voice cracked and he paused so that Hope thought he might stop but he continued moments later as if something were driving him to divulge this, to tell it all at last.

  
  


"Perseus had this... look, this attitude, even when he couldn't stand anymore. The Dark Eyed man said he was going to ask him one last time to repent of his shame or they would see just how much he liked it. Ma'am dropped Perseus' arm started yelling at the Dark Eyed man and he just backhanded her across the room. For just a moment, then, I thought Perseus might give in because he was so scared, even I could tell that. But he said 'no' again."

  
  


Black's hands were gripping one another so tightly they shook and tears began to slip from his eyes, but Sirius did not stop his story. Later he said he couldn't stop that once he began to tell this secret it wouldn't let him alone until he told it all.

  
  


"There were two other men who came with the Dark Eyed man and they stepped forward and helped my father move him and... h-hold him down. His own father held him down while the dark eyed man... he... he just... it was ... he did something that made Perseus scream and cry more than he had before. And the other men did it, too. I didn't think it would ever stop. I wanted to do something, anything, but I was frozen. Sir held him down and I didn't help him. I just sat there hiding while they... they... violated him.

  
  


"When they were... done they just walked away. They sort of dragged Ma'am from the room, she looked like she was still knocked out. Sir, he thanked him. He THANKED the evil bastard for what he'd done while they left Perseus lying on the floor. He was bleeding and they left him knowing he would die and Saturn thanked him ! He said 'Thank you Atrox' as if the man had brought a bottle of wine to dinner! Then he bid him a good evening like it was the end of a F-ing party and went to bed. I'll never forget that so long as I live. He said 'Good evening, Mr. Snape. I look forward to our next meeting.'

  
  


They left and all the lights were put out and he actually went upstairs. I don't know how long I sat there. Finally I managed to crawl over to Perseus ...it was already too late. I stayed there for hours until I heard someone coming and I ran back to my room. I threw up for hours and they thought I had the flu. A few days later Sir called for me and told me 'You have no brother and will not refer to or speak of him again.' Just like that. I never even found out what they did with his b-body."

  
  


Finally, He stopped and silence hung heavy in the room for a moment. Hope was horrified and felt physically ill, herself. Finally she managed to say, "I'm so very sorry, Sirius." It seemed outrageously inadequate but what wouldn't be?

  
  


Black moved his eyes from the wall for the first time since he'd started and looked at Hope. "What?" he mumbled.

  
  


"I am so terribly sorry ... there really aren't words, Sirius, but I'm so sorry."

  
  


He looked at her for a moment, expressionless. Hope reached out to take his hands in hers and he blinked very hard ... and began to weep.


	14. Revelations

Sirius Implications, Chapter 14: Revelations

  
  


Hope had known all along that there were some terrible things bottled up inside Sirius Black. She knew that at least some of them had to do with his brother and parents whom the Healer in England had kindly researched for Hope and confirmed to all be dead or presumed dead. His brother, Perseus, had disappeared late in the Spring Term of his fifth year at Hogwarts and was never found. He was presumed dead. Years later, when their younger son, Sirius, was in his own fifth year at Hogwarts his parents, Saturn and Aurelia Black, had perished in the fire that destroyed their manor. 

  
  


Those facts seemed like enough weeks ago when Hope had received the letter outlining them. But she sensed there was more to it. She had been more right than she ever could have imagined. The events Black described in their last session were enough, in and of themselves, to keep someone in therapy for a lifetime. They also shed light on one of Black's more stubborn problems. Hope now knew that Black's hatred of Severus Snape was so intertwined with the traumatic events surrounding his brother's death that to help the animagus past it was a task requiring extreme skill

  
  


Her sessions with Sirius had been productive beyond her expectations; but Hope was suddenly very, very glad Sirius would eventually be moved to the clinic in Europe where the best Psychiatric Medi-wizards in the world would have a chance to help him.

  
  


She shook herself and forced her attention back to the note she was trying to write in Black's file:

  
  


"While being asked about S.S. the patient became angry indicating that 'he' should be punished for what happened to his brother. It became clear to me that 'he' is either the patient's father or an associate of his. I strongly suspect the patient is confusing these men with S.S. Still, that is an issue that may not be appropriate to address for some time in light of the patient's further revelations concerning his brother.

  
  


"The patient indicated that at (what I estimate to be) the age of nine he often spied on his parents during some secretive activities they engaged in with outsiders. During the course of one of these 'spy missions' the patient witnessed his brother being tortured and raped by three of his father's associates - apparently for refusing to renounce a homosexual relationship. The patient's father and mother held his brother for the torture. His mother was knocked unconscious when she objected to the rape but the father helped to hold his son down for this, as well. After these event's the father saw his 'guests' to the door and took his unconscious wife to bed. 

  
  


"The patient eventually was able to make it to his brother's side where he had been left on the floor. By the time the patient was able to go to him, his brother had apparently bled to death from injuries sustained during the torture and rape. The patient eventually was scared by a noise and returned to his room where he was violently ill for some time. Several days after these events the patients father called him and told him 'you no longer have a brother and are never to refer to or speak of him again.' 

  
  


"The patient was quite naturally emotionally distraught after these revelations and may be unaware of one additional important fact he revealed. The associate of his father's who led the events that caused his brother's death shares a last name with S.S. I think it more than possible that the patient has substituted S.S. for the man who violated and killed his brother.

  
  


"The name is rare, and I fear that later exploration of this issue may be complicated by the likelihood that the man in question may be related to S.S. I have made inquires concerning this and will pass the information along to the clinic in Europe when the patient is transferred as I seriously doubt the patient and I will get to this issue in our remaining time. 

  
  


"The patient is on the edge of total breakdown after this session and I was forced to place him in the hospital wing for the night after this session."

  
  
  
  



	15. Yikes or Yippee?

Sirius Implications, Chapter 15: "Yikes or Yippee?"

  
  


Hope sighed deeply, propping both elbows on the papers scattered across the desk in front of her, and dropped her face into her hands. She was exhausted, not so much physically as emotionally and spiritually. When the Headmistress had agreed to shelter Sirius Black until he could be taken at the clinic in Europe she had readily accepted the challenge of working with him. Of course the notion had appealed to the healer in her... even as a child she tried to heal everyone and everything. But she had to admit to herself that, in this case, it was the challenge that had appealed to her the most. 

  
  


She loved a challenge and her ego liked the possibility that she might be able to open the animagus up, to help him to be willing to undergo therapy. She hadn't anticipated just how successful she would be. Sirius had been far more motivated than even he knew and their sessions had gone far beyond him "opening up". In some ways she felt as if she were in over her head and was continually grateful that the best Psychiatric Mediwizards in the world would take over Sirius' care. He needed their expertise and, quite frankly, even if she screwed things up they ought be able to undo the damage.

  
  


Earth and all elements, she was weary... weary enough to begin doubting herself. That wouldn't do either her or her patient any good. He had spent a great portion of the last week in the hospital wing. He had been so emotionally distraught, in fact, that Hope had moved him from the cottage to a room near the hospital wing for the rest of his stay. It had been warded to keep him safe and away from the eyes of the overly curious. Of course, he hadn't been terribly inclined to leave his rooms. He hadn't been terribly inclined to do much of anything beside sleep. It was no wonder; his waking moments were filled with a flood of horrible memories repressed for far too many years.

  
  


A flood of shame had accompanied the recovered memories. Add to that the fact that, correct or not, he felt that he had even lost the people he cared about the most here in the present time... well depression wasn't all that surprising. It was worrisome enough, however, that several house elves watched over him constantly in changing shifts. Hope had been counseling him through it all. She had been supporting him, and allowing him the catharsis he needed. 

  
  


What worried her was the hopelessness he felt about losing his "family". That kept him stuck in the midst of his misery. As he saw it he had lost everything important to him and there was no real reason to heal. Sirius didn't see much point in facing up to his misery and working through it because he felt there was nothing waiting for him on the other side. Hope would have liked to have some contact between Sirius and his Godson or Albus Dumbledore, the man he had made a surrogate father figure, but she doubted either would be open to contact from what she'd been told. 

  
  


Remus Lupin, the man who was like a brother in Sirius' heart, might be willing to help. The question was would he be allowed to leave his teaching responsibilities at Hogwarts before the end of the school year? Hope caught herself sighing again and realized that this was not a sigh of weariness and that the thought of Lupin had allowed her mind to wander.

  
  


Coffee. She needed coffee. This decided, she pushed away from the desk, grabbed her mug, and headed for the ward and Bob the nurse's incomparable coffee pot. Barely three steps into the hall she practically bowled over an eager house elf. 

  
  


"Bittle!," Hope exclaimed, dropping her cup and scrambling to pick the elf up and place him on his feet, "are you alright? I'm so sorry!"

  
  


"Bittle is fine, Doctor Hope!" the elf squealed scrambling to pick up Hope's coffee cup even as she struggled to place him on his feet. The elf won, standing a second later with a satisfied grin, her cup in one hand, and a parchment in the other.

  
  


"Bittle has letter for Mr. Siri- Mr. Silas!" the elf proclaimed proudly handing her the cup. "Bittle knows to give letter to Doctor Hope first!" the elf proclaimed, with even more pride. He handed a somewhat non-plussed Hope the parchment, as well, then disappeared with a resounding *crack*.

  
  


Hope stood still gazing at the parchment in her hand. It was folded flat and was as light as a feather. She hardly dared hope it was from overseas. Taking a breath, she turned it over. An adolescent scrawl proclaimed "To Mr. Silas Cane, Roanoke Academy, America". In the place where a muggle envelope would have a return address had been written "H.Potter, Hogwarts, UK"

  
  


Harry had written his Godfather. This could be the lifeline that gave Sirius motivation to endure his depression or it could be the final nail in his coffin. If the letter reflected young Potter's feelings toward Sirius when Sirius had left England, that would be more than enough to push him over the edge into what could be irreparable despair. On the other hand, if it were even slightly conciliatory or concerned it might give him the hope he so desperately needed. Hope shook herself when she felt pain in her other hand and realized she'd been gripping her coffee mug much too hard.

  
  


"No use facing a dilemma without caffeine," she mused, tucking the parchment into a pocket and pushing through the door into the hospital wing. 

  
  


She was greeted by the heavenly aroma of coffee. She moved to the pot and poured a cup for herself. Slowly she walked over to her desk at the end of the ward and sat down. First she took a long sip of coffee, then she removed the letter from her pocket. She needed to read it before giving it to her patient, that was clear.

  
  


"What'cha got there, Doc?" Bob's cheerful voice asked, and Hope looked up to see his eyes on her as he emerged from the supply room.

  
  


"Letter," she said succinctly, "To our resident patient... from his Godson."

  
  


"Whoa."

  
  


Hope snorted, "You can say that again."

  
  


"Well, is it 'yikes' or 'yippee'?"Bob asked, curious.

  
  


"I don't know, I have to read it."

  
  


"Hmmm... what if it's 'yikes'? Are you going to give it to him?"

  
  


"Hell no, Bob! You know that! It will go straight into the packet for Geneva."

  
  


"Good call. Well, I'll leave you to it, then." With that, Bob was on his way to the other end of the ward and the work awaiting him.

  
  


"Sorry to read your mail, Sirius, but I've got to" Hope said softly and slid her finger under the flap of paper and broke the wax seal

  
  


Dear Sirius,

How are you? I am fine. Remus said the American academy is very nice.

I guess it's warmer than here. It's still awfully chilly. Angelina complains it's hard to hang onto your broom when your fingers are numb, but the Gryffindor Quidditch team is still doing fine. The final match will decide who gets the cup and it is against Slytherin... of course. Wish us luck.

-Harry

  
  


Hope leaned back into her chair and took a deep breath. It looked like when she hit Bittle the elf she'd run into just the break she had been looking for.

  
  


"Hey Bob!" she called, turning in her chair to face her nurse across the ward.

  
  


"Yeah, Doc?"

  
  


"Yippee."


	16. Night Vision

Sirius Implications, Chapter Sixteen: "Night Vision"

  
  


(Author's Note: the chapter mentions events at the "Magical Education Conference" in London. For a full account of these events please see Raven Dancer's very interesting and amusing "The Weasley Twins Brew Again")

  
  
  
  


Hope had insisted that Sirius maintain his personal hygiene, however reluctantly. Fortunately, Bob had been of assistance so that the animagus was groomed, even if his depression made him not care. Still, he somehow managed to look unkept and disheveled. He sat, slumped in a chair, waiting, when Hope walked into the office, a small smile lighting her face as she fingered the letter in the pocket of her lab coat. 

  
  


"Good Afternoon, Sirius" she said. The animagus shrugged and mumbled something.

  
  


"Sirius," she said in a soft voice that caused him to look up. His eyes held nothing but despair. "Sirius," she said again, "I have something for you."

  
  


The animagus tried to look interested, and failed. That is, until Hope slid the parchment out of her pocket and put it in his hands, face up. There was a sharp intake of breath as Sirius recognized the handwriting and saw the return address. He held the parchment as if it were a bomb, just staring at it. 

  
  


"Would you like to read it?" Hope asked, sitting in the opposite chair. Sirius nodded, but did not move.

  
  


"Well, then, go ahead." Hope said warmly.

  
  


"Can't"

  
  


"Why?"

  
  


"Scared."

  
  


"Oh, Sirius, I understand, but I promise, it's not bad."

  
  


The animagus looked up at her with wide eyes.

  
  


"Sirius, I promise."

  
  


He looked down, again, at the letter, turned it over with trembling hands, unfolded it, and began to read. Long minutes ticked by as he stared at the parchment, his eyes moving across it over and again. Finally he looked up at Hope.

  
  


"I- I... this... can it mean?"

  
  


"Yes, Sirius, he clearly cares about you and doesn't want your relationship to end. He may be angry, Sirius, but I'm willing to wager he still loves you."

  
  


He stared at her for a moment, his mouth open. Then, abruptly, he closed it, dropped his head to his free hand, and began to weep.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


That evening brought a British Ministry of Magic official to tell the staff that the Headmistress was NOT dead. There had been an explosion at the hotel where the International Magical Education Conference was being held and, for a short time, the Headmistress had been presumed dead. Happily, she was not... as the shell-shocked professors that began port-keying home that night happily attested.

  
  


More to the point for Sirius was the news that Albus Dumbledore, also presumed dead for a time, was alive. This news also came with the news that Severus Snape had been at the conference as well but, like the Headmaster and Headmistress, had left early and not been present at the blast that had destroyed both school leaders' rooms. Fortunately, there were no casualties at all. 

  
  


The news Severus Snape had been at the conference along with Dumbledore was difficult for Sirius. He understood that others he liked and respected... hell, loved, trusted Snape and did not feel as he did. But his feelings about Snape had not changed. They were complicated feelings, rooted in trauma and nurtured for years. 

  
  


"I know it's hard, Sirius" Hope admitted the next afternoon in their session.

  
  


"I -I... I just, it's... Why can't I see what they see?!"

  
  


"Because you're you and your experiences are different... things you've been through have affected your perspective, Sirius. They clouded your perception of what is true."

  
  


"Clouded... as in I can't see the truth, right?" 

  
  


Weariness and bitterness coloured the voice of the animagus.

  
  


"Sirius, I really wouldn't expect any less after what you've been through. But, yes, from all accounts your perception of what is true about Severus Snape is wrong."

  
  


"Then why can't I see it? Why am I the only one?"

  
  


"Sirius, you are not the only one... Snape is a double agent and has developed a careful public image as a death eater to preserve his cover. I think the question you need to look at is why, when people you trust tell you who he really is... and you have the opportunity to see for yourself you didn't. Why do you think that is?"

  
  


"I don't know! That's the problem!"

  
  


"When I ask, what's your first reaction?"

  
  


The animagus looked at the floor

  
  


"Sirius, it's alright... I'm not here to judge you."

  
  


Silence.

  
  


"There are no right or wrong answers, Sirius."

  
  


"I- My-... He.. HELL! I don't care what they say, he's A SNAPE! That foul monster who did ...that to Perseus was his father, did you know that?"

  
  


"Yes I did"

  
  


"Then how can you not hate him?"

  
  


It was the voice of a child who had been through an impossible ordeal... and it hurt to hear it. Still, it was an important question and it needed to be answered honestly.

  
  


"Because he is not his father."

  
  


"I wouldn't be so sure."

  
  


"Why not?"

  
  


"Comeon! He is the very image of the man! I knew whose son he was the moment I set eyes on him." The animagus looked at something Hope could not see as he continued, "Those dark eyes... he had those same eyes... the nose, the face, the hair, too... but it was the eyes I saw first and I knew. But I couldn't say anything... Sir made it clear what happened never did. Nobody knew, I wasn't even supposed to know..." He trailed off and Hope let the silence be for a moment as Sirius struggled with his feelings. Finally, he looked at her, his face twisting with emotion. "It was the eyes... every time I saw Snape I looked right into the eyes of the man who destroyed my brother. They say the eyes are the window to the soul... He has his eyes."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hope appreciated the way that the darkness seemed to change the sound of things on the seashore. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and let the sound of the surf and the night birds surround her. She wrapped her arms around herself and took another deep, calming breath. Being somewhat empathic had been helpful in counseling. Being able to sense the stronger emotions of patients helped her to guide them through them. But in a case like Sirius Black... 

  
  


It was hard enough to hear someone recount painful and horrific experiences. Even in an experienced counselor, such things were difficult and inspired their own set of emotions. To have been witness to Sirius' confessions AND to have felt his emotions was... exhausting. It took all she had at times like this not only to keep going... but also to NOT lose faith in humanity. 

  
  


To hear of what people were capable ... hell, not people: monsters... Sirius' brother's death was not the first horror story she had heard, nor would it be the last. It wore away at one's faith. To see the destruction wrought by their actions years and years later ...well, it wore away one's hope. 

  
  


She let a small snort of laughter. It seemed ironic that her white name was Hope. She suspected it was no accident, however. Someone had known what they were doing when they gave it to her. When she discovered her gifts for healing she thought it was because, as a healer, she was an agent of hope. She had come to realize that it wasn't given to her because she granted hope but because she would need it. Someone wanted hope to be close at hand, to be a part of her, to be her name.

  
  


She opened her eyes watched the light from the moon dancing on the waves and turned her eyes heavenward to search for it, her true namesake. Her eyes caught the silver wedge slicing the night sky and she took another deep breath. She then turned to face the owner of the curiosity and concern she could feel moving toward her over the sand.

  
  


"Headmistress," Hope said, smiling, "It is good to see you alive and well."

  
  


The older woman smiled as she met her healer "Thank you. It is good to be seen... as it were."

  
  


"I'm fairly dying of curiosity to know exactly what happened in London," Hope said, "but I can feel that you, yourself, are fairly dying of curiosity about something else. Why do I get the feeling you're going to get your answers before I get mine?"

  
  


Lila Johnstone stepped beside Hope and gazed out to the ocean as well. "My dear, it is a bit of a story - one that I will be happy to share; perhaps tomorrow over one of your beloved lattes?"

  
  


Hope smiled, "Deal."

  
  


"Naturally, however, I am anxious to know what the situation is here."

  
  


"Naturally." Hope answered with a sigh.

  
  


"For instance," the Headmistress continued, "I understand our guest is now housed near the Hospital Wing and that my healer is showing signs of exhaustion." The Headmistress pulled out her wand and created a bench. "Sit, Hope, and tell me what has happened."

  
  


The healer seated herself with a sigh and the Headmistress settled beside her, waiting in silence until Hope was ready to speak.

  
  


"Sirius' treatment has been much more... effective... than I anticipated," Hope began. "You know that he has been making remarkable progress, that we'd begun to open up some of the issues from his imprisonment. Since you left there have been some... developments. He was able to talk about a traumatic series of events that I believe may be the root of his irrational hatred of Severus Snape."

  
  


Hope felt an odd rush of emotion from Lila a the mention of Snape's name but chose to let it go and continue. "Lila, you know I've seen and heard some horrible things but... After hearing and feeling what happened to him I understand why he feels the way he does. Of course I don't agree with it, but I understand. The problem is that this breakthrough has put our patient into a serious depression, one exacerbated by the fact he feels he's lost and alienated those he loves. He needs their support right now, but I don't see how it will be possible. Dumbledore and Potter are not in any state to be supportive of Sirius right now because of their own complicated issues and Remus... Well I think he'd be able to overcome that, but I know he has teaching responsibilities."

  
  


"Why don't you fill me in on the details, Hope," Lila suggested kindly..

  
  


Given the maternal affection she, herself, had developed for Severus, Lila had doubted she would ever feel sympathy toward the animagus... not after what he had done to the Potions Master. But as Hope spoke she felt the beginning of a thaw in her regard of Sirius Black. Hope was correct: knowing what they now knew helped them to understand Sirius' actions. It in no way excused what he had done, but it shed a great deal of light upon it.

  
  


"So to Sirius, Severus IS the man who did the most horrifying thing he ever witnessed, who took away the one person from whom he felt love and destroyed him in the process." Lila observed. 

  
  


"Yes, he's fixated on the notion that Severus MUST be just like his father... he can't let go of that notion, no other options are even considered."

  
  


"Why do you think that is?"

  
  


"For him the price is too high to let go of that notion at this point. He has centered a great deal of his life around that notion... to give up a notion, any notion, you've lived around for decades is very hard and very frightening. But this particular one..." Hope trailed off.

  
  


"Well, Sirius is in an unbelievable amount of spiritual and emotional pain. Severus gives him someone to direct it at, someone to blame."

  
  


"Yes, and that makes him feel in control somehow, I suspect. But there's more to it than that. Admitting Severus is not his father means admitting something else to Sirius... something that he thinks he can't handle and I don't know what that is.

  
  


"Fortunately, there are people more skilled than I who will take over his care, soon. But facing what he has already been able to admit has been understandably traumatic. In many ways he is a lost, traumatized child right now and he needs support to deal with what already lies in his hands."

  
  


"I think you're right," Lila observed, "unfortunately, the number of people who know his true situation and love him are small in number. There are only three, in fact, and Remus is the best one to help him. I will see what I can do. Meanwhile," Lila said, reaching into her robes, "I have these for you, maybe they can help."

  
  


Lila handed Hope two folded parchments addressed in the same handwriting: one to Sirius and one to her. She looked up at the Headmistress and saw herself being regarded through amused eyes.

  
  


"Yes, dear, they ARE from Remus Lupin and at least one of them is probably VERY personal."

  
  


Hope felt the heat of a blush colouring her face. 

  
  


"So how's your night vision," Lila asked.

  
  


"Pardon?"

  
  


"Well, dear," the Headmistress said patting her hand maternally, "I figure there probably is just enough moonlight for someone with good vision to read a letter." 

  
  


With that, the Headmistress rose and moved away in the darkness.


	17. As Best We Can

Sirius Implications, Chapter 17: "As best we can"

  
  


The animagus' hand strayed to the pocket in which Hope knew he carried around the letters from Harry and Remus. She had read Remus' letter before giving it to him:

  
  


Dear Sirius,

I don't really know what to say, but I want to say something. Merlin, Sirius, I am filled with so much anger and so much confusion toward you. But through it all, I am also filled with so much love for you. To me you ARE my brother and I cannot stop caring about you. I don't understand the actions that have separated us, but I suspect you don't, either. Please, my friend, try... I've lost too many of those I love, including you. Come back to us... come back to yourself. 

Please try.

Love,

Remie

  
  


Sirius began crying softly and Hope simply handed him tissues... they did that a lot now. Hope knew this was what the animagus needed. Her ability to pulse him with healing energy had helped, even comforted him, but they both keenly felt the absence of a loved one's presence and support for the suffering man.

  
  


The letter to Hope had very little to do with Sirius and was rather a bit more... personal. Both of the letters cheered up the persons to whom they were addressed ...Hope a bit more than Sirius. But then, she reflected, her general spirits were in nowhere near the state Sirius' were. They did have one thing in common, however: they both wished Remus Lupin was at Roanoke, not Hogwarts.

  
  


Both Healer and patient were distracted by a soft but rapid and insistent tapping on the door. Hope frowned. The staff knew better than to interrupt her when her office door was closed and the students couldn't disturb her... there was a simple ward over the door when it was closed. She took a breath, handed Sirius another tissue, and considered the fact that it must be important.

She rose and went to the door, opening it a fraction. Bittle stood bouncing on the threshold. In typical fashion he proudly handed her a folded parchment and disappeared with a *crack*.

  
  


Doc,

Forgive the interruption, but I thought you might want to know that Prof. Remus Lupin of Hogwarts Academy is waiting in the ward

-Bob

  
  


"Sirius, I may have some good news for you. Please just stay put for a moment, I'll be back soon." With that Hope disappeared through the door almost as quickly as Bittle.

  
  


In a flash she was through the door to the ward and spied Lupin and Bob both sitting, coffee mugs in hand. At the sound of the door Lupin looked up and saw Hope. Without a word a smirking Bob took Lupin's mug and left through the door on his end of the ward. Hope felt a rush of longing and didn't know if it belonged to her or to Lupin and she didn't particularly care.

  
  


They met in the middle, embracing so hard that both felt a bit out of breath. Pulling apart slightly, they shared a tender kiss before Hope's professional responsibilities re-asserted themselves.

  
  


"It really IS you... I didn't dare hope," she said.

  
  


"Remus Lupin to the rescue," he said, smile in his voice, "Always wanted to say that."

  
  


Hope felt a small, inelegant snort of amusement leave her. "Well, you are a very welcome presence but I don't know if you know what you've gotten yourself into."

  
  


"It's serious enough that my Headmaster told me to forget the rest of the term and come to Roanoke. Is Sirius... he hasn't..."

  
  


"No, no... nothing like that," Hope said, then let a sigh escape, "Sirius is physically well but emotionally very fragile. He's made some serious breakthroughs... and revelations. Remus, telling me what he told me is enough to undo anyone; and to deal with it alone in the midst of strangers..."

  
  


"He needed a friend."

  
  


"Very badly."

  
  


"Then I'm you're man, I expect."

  
  


"Remus, you need to understand that his feelings toward Severus Snape have not changed and he is still quite angry and confused. I do think that will change in time, but first he has to deal with the things he has revealed to me."

  
  


"How bad were those things?"

  
  


"Bad, Remus... but I think he will tell you himself. He needs to tell you himself."

  
  


"Alright, then. Albus told me you needed me to help him and that's why I'm here. When can I see him?"

  
  


"Now, if you like, he's waiting in my office," Hope said. Remus nodded. "But I need to say this first, Remus. I don't want you to be dishonest with him about your feelings but I need you here to support him. Can you keep your anger in check?"

  
  


"Define 'in check'" 

  
  


"I don't want you to lie about being angry but If you could try and avoid any outbursts or expressions of hostility for a few days, at least, it would help. Remus, he feels that he's lost the only people he loves... who love him. In order for him to have motivation to change, he needs to know there will still be people in his life who care about him. He needs to know there is hope."

  
  


"Of course there's hope! I still care about him... it's just- there's a lot going on."

  
  


"I know, Remus, but I also know that you care about him a great deal and that what makes you so angry is that you're hurt and confused by Sirius' behavior; and you've the right. But he's so fragile right now..."

  
  


"Don't worry, Hope... Sirius is... he's the closest thing to a brother I've ever had. I've never been closer to anyone. I want to help him. I'll do what you think best."

  
  


"Thank you, Remus," Hope said placing a soft kiss on the werewolf's cheek and leading him to the door.

  
  


Sirius looked up when Hope opened the door and stepped through. Remus was behind her, following her into the room. The animagus' eyes widened in disbelief.

  
  


"Remie?" he asked in a small, hopeful voice.

  
  


"Sirius!" the werewolf exclaimed warmly, stepping past Hope to pull his friend to his feet and into an embrace. Hope felt Lupin's surprise and concern at seeing this vulnerable version of his old friend. When the two men pulled apart Hope indicated Remus might sit beside Sirius on the couch.

  
  


"I can't ...when did you ...why- ...is everything?" the animagus was babbling.

  
  


"Albus Dumbledore heard you were having a difficult time and sent Remus to support you, Sirius," Hope supplied.

  
  


"But- ... Dumbledore??"

  
  


"Yes, Siri, Albus sent me... just because he's angry doesn't mean he's stopped caring. None of us have, not me, not Harry..."

  
  


"But then why can't- No... I know that. But... the term's not over, don't you have examinations?"

  
  


"No, my substitute does, Ptolomey help her."

  
  


The look on the animagus' face was one of wonder and hope, before he dissolved in tears once again. Remus looked at Hope, distress on his face.

  
  


"It's alright. It's good, actually. Here," Hope said, handing him the box of tissues.

  
  


+ + + +

  
  


"He's so ...different" Remus said to Hope over early morning latte the next day. "I know that it's good but it's ... scary, I suppose."

  
  


"What's scary?"

  
  


"He's so... vulnerable, it frightens me to see him so fragile I don't know what to say or do."

  
  


"Remus, I told you to be honest and I meant it... when you've got to be honest about something he might find difficult, just try to lead with love... that's all you can do."

  
  


The werewolf nodded and took a sip as they continued to walk. 

  
  


"There's something else, isn't there?" Hope asked.

  
  


"The thought of what could render him so... make him so undone, that scares me, too. What will I do when he tells me? Will I be able to handle it?"

  
  


Hope stopped and placed a hand on Remus' arm. "You will, it will be hard to hear, but you'll be able to handle it... just follow your heart and you'll be fine."

  
  


"Just follow your heart" the words came back to Remus later, as he sat with his friend in Sirius' new rooms. They were seated on the couch facing a large window which afforded a view of the white capped waves of the ocean. There were a few muggle sailboats about on the waves, looking -at this distance- like toys in a child's bathtub. 

  
  


"I never told you much about my family did I?" Sirius asked, breaking the silence.

  
  


"No, you never did, Padfoot." he said gently

  
  


"I -I ... I had a brother Remus. His name was Perseus. He died when I was nine..."

  
  


+ + + +

  
  


When Sirius was talked out, hours later, both men had shed more than a few tears and Remus held the man he liked to think of as a brother in his arms. Sirius blew his nose in a rather abused tissue and let it drop.

  
  


"Care for another?" Remus said with a smirk, reaching for the tissue box.

  
  


"Thanks," Sirius said with a large sniff. 

  
  


As Sirius sat up to blow his nose and scrub at his face Remus rose and moved a few steps to the window and looked out into the twilight. He stared for a moment at a point in the distance without seeing it. Finally, he turned.

  
  


"I- I had no idea, Sirius... none"

  
  


"No one did," Sirius said in a hollow voice.

  
  


"I wish- I wish I could just..."

  
  


"Just what? Undo it all?"

  
  


"Well, yes! But more than that... I want... dammit, I'm so angry this happened to you, to your brother!"

  
  


Suddenly, Sirius' expression changed, became more animated.

  
  


"Now do you understand? Don't you get it now?"

  
  


"Get what?" Remus replied, confused.

  
  


"Why I hate him... Snape!"

  
  


"Atox?" Remus asked hoping that was the answer and knowing it wasn't.

  
  


"NO! Well, of course! But I meant Severus" Black answered, agitated.

  
  


Remus was speechless. He felt trapped by his feelings. He didn't understand but he was worried, concerned, about his friend and wasn't sure he should tell him the truth.

  
  


"I'm not asking you to lie," Hope's voice echoed in his head.

  
  


"Fine," Remus thought, "So what do I say?"

  
  


"Just try to lead with love," Hope said in his memory, "That's all you can do."

  
  


Remus bit his lip, deciding.

  
  


"Sirius," he said gently, putting his hand on his friend's shoulder, "I understand why you hate Atox, but you'll have to explain to me why you hate Severus."

  
  


The animagus scowled, "Don't be ridiculous, Severus is Atox' son!"

  
  


"Yes, I know that but... I don't understand..."

  
  


"He's just like him! I knew that the minute I saw him on the train platform that first day!"

  
  


"But," Remus asked, genuine confusion in his voice, "how could you?"

  
  


Sirius shook off Remus' hand and rose in agitation moving away and turning back suddenly. "How could he not be just like him he's a Snape, he is the man's Son... have you ever looked in his eyes?" Through the agitation Remus could sense some desperation, pleading.

  
  


"Like father like son?" Remus asked.

  
  


"Yes."

  
  


"Oh, Sirius, but that's not necessarily true!" Remus said, his voice tight with sadness and distress. "Earth and Elements, you're not like YOUR father, not at all!"

  
  


"But.. But... no, he has to be..." Sirius said sitting heavily.

  
  


"Sirius," Remus said sitting beside him and taking his friend's hand, searching his eyes intently, "Isn't it possible that Severus didn't follow in his father's footsteps?"

  
  


"Then why did he know more dark curses than most seventh years before he even started school?"

  
  


"I don't know, but I have my suspicions."

  
  


"Right," Sirius said, standing up suddenly once again.

  
  


Remus rose and moved to his friend. When he spoke his voice was soft, the pain he felt evident. "Sirius, what you've told me today breaks my heart... I hurt so much for you... when I think about it... I can't breathe. Merlin..." The werewolf trailed off, voice tight. After a few breaths he continued. "I've only felt that way twice before and only once this intensely."

  
  


The animagus looked up, curious, "When?"

  
  


Remus paused, unsure. Finally, he spoke, "Sirius, you remember when you had that flashback when we first got here?"

  
  


"Yeah," he said softly, "I - Remie I..."

  
  


"No, no... Siri, don't apologize, that's not why I asked. Sirius, I realized you were having a flashback because I'd seen a few before." Remus chewed a knuckle for a moment, then continued, "Sirius, I saw a grown man revert back to a child... a child fleeing his parents in sheer terror... so frightened that... for a moment I thought he might die."

  
  


Sirius' brow was drawn in surprise and compassion. "You've seen someone else flashback? Who?"

  
  


Remus bit his lip. Had he gone too far? Should he have brought this up now?

  
  


"Remus," Sirius' voice was anxious, fearful. "Don't- don't tell me that. You can't."

  
  


"Can't what?"

  
  


"You can't tell me it was him... you can't!" Sirius said, voice rising in fear.

  
  


Remus moved to his friend swiftly, pulling him to him, "Shhhhh, Sirius, it's alright. It will be alright, I promise."

  
  


"You can't promise" a muffled voice rose, trembling.

  
  


"I..." Remus started, and then realized he couldn't promise Sirius that... not that. "I can promise you that I'll stand by you. I don't understand, and I'm worried, and I've even been angry, but I care about you, Sirius! I love you like a brother and I don't abandon the people I love!"

  
  


"You will, you will once you see!" the animagus insisted pulling away.

  
  


"See what, Sirius?"

  
  


"No... noooo it means I'm just like him! JUST LIKE HIM! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?" 

  
  


"What means you're like him? Like who?" Remus asked, his own panic rising in the face of his friend's.

  
  


"My father! I am like him! If I did that- I AM!" Sirius cried and turning from his friend and falling to his knees beside the couch. He buried his head in the cushions and pummeled them with his fists at the same time. 

  
  


"No, Sirius, NO!" Remus said, dropping beside him, hands fluttering, unsure if he should touch him. "Sirius you're nothing like him, nothing."

  
  


"I am! If he's not - I am!" Sirius cried out becoming even more agitated and beginning to tear at the cushions. 

  
  


+ + + +

  
  
  
  


Hope was clearly uncomfortable. She paced back and forward in the faculty longue while her colleagues chatted before dinner. Lila could tell she was anxious about something but forcing herself to do nothing. The headmistress wasn't sure she liked that, but she trusted her healer and forced herself to turn her mind to the comments about English Literature being made by Professor Alex Pope.

  
  


As they sat down for the meal Hope was clearly still distracted, uncomfortable. She pushed her food around but did not eat, merely sipping her water, almost compulsively. Soon even this stopped as she sat perfectly still. Suddenly, she rose swiftly, overturning her chair in her haste as she rushed from the room.

  
  


Lila opened her mouth and then closed it again, looking to her colleagues. Questioning looks met her gaze. She took a breath. "If she needed our help she would have asked for it." With that, she speared some chicken and resumed her meal. 

  
  


+ + + + 

  
  


"I am! If he's not - I am!" Sirius cried out, becoming even more agitated and beginning to tear at the cushions.

  
  


"Sirius! Please!" Remus said, trying to catch his friend's frantic hands

  
  


Sirius resisted, unseeing, repeating "If he's not - I am!" over and again.

  
  


Then, Hope was beside Remus reaching out to catch hold of her patient. Together they managed to catch the flailing hands and turn the animagus to face them. His eyes were wild but lucid as he caught sight of the two people with him. 

  
  


"Don't you see Remie? I'm just like him!"

  
  


"Like who, Sirius, who?" Hope asked, her voice demanding his attention.

  
  


"My father! I'm just like Sir!"

  
  


"Why? Why do you think that, Sirius?"

  
  


"Because if he's not I am!" The animagus tried to pull away and curl into himself but Remus pulled him into his lap, gripping his shoulders firmly while Hope took his face in her hands.

  
  


"Tell me what you mean, Sirius," she asked, "If who is not? Not what?"

  
  


"S-Severus," Sirius said miserably, still struggling to hide his head, "If he's not like his father then I'm... I -I'm like mine!"

  
  


"Why?" Remus interjected, incredulous

  
  


"I... He... if Atox abused him... if he made him suffer too ...and then I did..." Sirius trailed off gulping for breath, voice shaking. "I made him suffer, too... I did to him what... what he-" Sirius dissolved into tears and pushed against Remus. "Remie, go away, don't look at me!" 

  
  


"No, I won't go away! I care about you, Sirius."

  
  


Sirius stilled suddenly. "I'm a monster, Remie, who tortured an abused child to exact revenge against him for something he did not do." The weariness and self-contempt in his voice cut through Remus' heart.

  
  


"You are no monster, Siri!" Remus choked out

  
  


Hope once again took Sirius face in her hands, turning him to look at her. 

  
  


"Sirius Black, look at me." she commanded in her best "teacher" voice. "You are not a monster, you are an abused child who was deprived of the resources he needed to learn to cope with his feelings. Your father was a monster. Severus' father was a monster. The evil man who brought them together, Voldemort, is a monster, but you are not, do you hear me?"

  
  


For a moment all three were perfectly still, then Sirius nodded.

  
  


"But what I did..." He whispered, "I did that, no- anyone else."

  
  


"Yes you did, Sirius," Hope said gently, "But there are reasons why, the blame is not entirely yours."

  
  


"But some of the blame IS mine. It is!"

  
  


"Perhaps, perhaps not. But, Sirius, there is forgiveness.. And healing."

  
  


"Yes, Sirius!" Remus said, passionately, "Please, trust us, let us help you... we... I love you. I know I'm not your real brother but... Dammit, I love you as if you were."

  
  


Sirius caught his breath and whispered, "Still?"

  
  


"Merlin, yes, my friend!"

  
  


+ + + +

  
  


"It's not like the muggle movies, Remus," Hope said later, leaning into him on the porch swing they'd retreated to after a sedated Sirius had fallen asleep under Bob's watchful eye. "People don't just have a nice, big blowout and suddenly life is perfect. It's going to take a while, I long while... but he IS on his way."

  
  


"Thank all the elements," Remus whispered, turning to place a kiss atop her head, "When I think what he's been through... my god, why didn't I see it?"

  
  


"Probably because he'd been trained from birth not to show anything... any weakness, any emotion, that anything was wrong at all."

  
  


"But I should have guessed, I should have known... I claimed to love him like a brother and there he was suffering right in front of me!"

  
  


"Don't. Don't you do it, too. There is enough real guilt and shame here without your taking responsibility for what others did. This isn't your fault, either." 

  
  


They were silent for long moments, listening to the small noises that filled the night. Finally Remus drew in his breath, "Hope, how do you do it?"

  
  


"Do what?" she answered turning her head to look up at him.

  
  


"Live with it... all the horrible things people do to one another,"

  
  


She sighed, "Some days I'm not really sure, Remus. I just do the best I can. Same as you, probably."

  
  


"Me?"

  
  


"Remus, you've seen a lot of human depravity up close and personal. Voldemort managed to take away just about everyone you truly cared about. Then, the bastard comes back to life to have another go. How do you do it?"

  
  


Remus said nothing for a moment, then, "As best I can, I suppose."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


FOUR MONTHS LATER:

  
  


"Are you sure, Severus?" Remus asked, yet again.

  
  


"Remus!" the other man replied, annoyance clearly in his voice, "Will you please cease asking me that?! I wouldn't BE here if I wasn't sure."

  
  


"Still, I-"

  
  


"Remus, stop it! Stop treating me like I'm made of spun glass!" he growled, and immediately regretted it when he saw the stunned expression on the werewolf's face. "Remus, your support has been... Remus I can't tell you what it's meant to me. To have someone worried about me is... well it's strange. But I need to do this and I WILL be alright." He snorted, "If you don't believe me, believe Albus. Do you really think he would have let me within two hundred kilometers of this place if he didn't think it would be alright?"

  
  


"Well..." Remus conceded, a sly grin quirking the corner of his mouth, "The overprotective old coot DID let you come..."

  
  


"HUMPH!" a loud voice broke out from behind him.

  
  


"Hi Albus!" Remus said cheerfully without turning as Snape coughed into his hand to cover his amusement.

  
  


They were saved by the appearance of a clinic Psychiatric Mediwizard. 

  
  


"Welcome gentlemen." she said in measured tones, "I am doctor Erikson."

  
  


"I am Severus Snape, and this is Remus Lupin and Albus Dumbledore."

  
  


"A pleasure. Professor Lupin, Headmaster, you may wait in the room to your right. Professor Snape, if you'll come with me Sirius is waiting to see you. We're all very glad you came."

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


(Final Author's Note: Many, many thanks to faithful reader/reviewers, especially my fellow OWLs: HiBob and Ozma. Thanks Tarawen for your enthusiasm and interest. Finally, thanks, RavenDancer, for being a true friend and a supportive writing peer!

-HLB)


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